something or other corporate

Its my favourite Something Corporate song, and according to the something corporate fanatics (*fans*... ever wonder where that word came from??) out there, also who i am... don't know about that, but i can definately identify!

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

"Babies Of The 80's"

I grew up on five-alive
And transformers and slip-n-slide
Toy's R Us and Chuck-e-Cheeze
Disco out and techno in
to synthesize my favorite sin
And here I am on my knees
To get it back again

Babies of the 80's
Little girls in lycra shorts
Tented beds, nerf contact sports
My babies of the 80's
Shout it out just one more time
For the generation that was all mine

We learned to crawl on linoleum floors
Ronald Reagan fought Star Wars
But he'll never be Han Solo
Students march Tianenmen Square
They took him out hey that's not fair
Dad said it's good to be free
As we watched from our T.V.

Babies of the 80's
Little girls in lycra shorts
Tented beds, nerf contact sports
My babies of the 80's
Shout it out just one more time
For the generation that was all mine

We watched the wall fall down
Woke up early for Bozo the clown
MTV and Nick at Night
And I slept for the first time
Without the light
without the light
without the light

(one two one two three go)

My Babies of the 80's
Little girls in jelly shoes
got the ferris bueller blues
My babies of the 80's
We'd be something after all
Who knew we would be something after all
Who knew we would be something after all
Who Knew


hmmm... now the experts are disagreeing.... REALLY! these online quiz thingies are quite addictive!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take the test, by Emily.

soafrican life

trippy. they're so true they're funny! ons is lief vir jou Suid Afrika.

You Know You're From South Africa when...

You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world. To alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards. You are expected to carry a drivers licence that doesn't fit into your wallet. The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election. The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station. People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to get up and make it themselves. A minibus taxi overtakes you, just to stop right in front of you. When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way. You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins. You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one. A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once. Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. The police ask you if they should follow up on the burglary you've just reported. You paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters. When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are seperated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad. The government has more opposition from themselves, than from any opposition party. A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated BMW. A 45 year old engineer is replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write his own name. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are. Half the city pays for the other halve's electricity and water supply. A murderer gets a 2 year sentence, and a pirate M-Net viewer a 6 month sentence. Crime actually DOES pay. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing. The government GIVES you a house, and you complain. You can't even go on a business trip to Oz (or Canada) without somebody asking knowingly, "Oh, having a look around, are you? ..." You attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging smoothly with the traffic. There is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you. People would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house. The post office stores letters instead of delivering them. An employer has to pay his employees wages during a strike and cannot lock them out. Cops are always able to spot you for parking without display while never able to see the minibus taxis parking in the middle of the road. SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the weekend. Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%, but we are told that "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in 24 years". You go to prison for murder, and instead of the death sentence, you get a nice box of condoms. Pre-election promises change into "Rome wasn't built in a day". The Minister of Housing didn't build a single house. The Minister of Finance doesn't wear a tie. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather. You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume". You stop at robots, not traffic lights. You've never seen live theatre, but you've heard of it. You only drink instant coffee and in fact have no clue why anyone would bother drinking anything else. You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any. None of the programs on the five available TV channels run on time. You think a car's hazard lights mean, "F*** you, I'm stopping here." Your standard response to any statement is, "Is it?" (Pronounced, "Izzit?") You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them. [yup! ct] You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela. You go to "braais" (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously. The electricity goes off and you see it as a sign of The Collapse of Civilization (tm). The electricity comes back on, and you check to see if there are any soccer or cricket games on TV - why else would ESCOM have fixed the electricity so quickly? "Armed Response" is not an action, it's a description of every security company in the country. You actually bought baked beans in 1994 before the elections. You feel it is your democratic duty to vote. You have a gear lock for your car. You come out of a friend's house/shopping centre/office to find the gear lock worked and your car is still there, but your radio, tapes, jersey and every other removable thing you had in the car is gone, and you just sigh, shrug and go home. You gawk at American tourists. They're so rare. Someone mentions the sea, and your first thought is "Durban" although you wouldn't actually go there. You've been up Table Mountain. You've been to the Kruger National Park, but only as a child when your school arranged a tour. You've never seen snow in real life. You know what 'water restrictions' are. Tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes are only known to you through disaster movies, but you're intimately acquainted with floods and droughts. You go to a shopping mall and have to keep detouring around people who stop dead in the middle of the aisle when something catches their interest. You go to a New Year street party in Hillbrow and wake up in hospital. You know that there's nothing to do in the Free State. You shout "Vrystaat!" at rugby games, local or international, even when Vrystaat (the Free State) isn't playing. You think that the people who paint their faces the colour of the SA flag look really cool. You still rub people's noses in the fact that we won the 1995 Rugby World Cup. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here



More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

christmas cheer

so i think i'm a little with mikos on this one... i'm wierdly depressed about nothing. Seriously - this should be the most joyful time of year for all who celebrate the life (and death) of our Lord, but for some reason, i just haven't been able to shake my bad attitude. I mean its not that i hate the commercialization of christmas - i don't enjoy it, but whatever, i understand commerce. Its not that i don't like the christmas spirit of cheer and good will, etc - i mean who wouldn't enjoy nice people?? (esp those of us who get stuck in minimum wage customer service jobs). Its not even that i dislike the shopping and present buying and christmas parties, etc - i actually have a lot of fun trying to find the perfect thing for somebody, and usually have a blast making little things to give to people. But out of the blue this season, the thought of christmas has just made me inexplicably angry (hmmm... not quite the right word... troubled maybe??) and sort of sad.
I think what it may be is my former conclusion coming back to haunt me: suddenly all the busyness is gone, and i have time to be meditative, consider my life and friendships and relationships, and be lonely for some people. I hate that its weird and hard to talk to family i love with all my heart who are a whole world away. I hate that i can't figure out where my beloved little 12yr old cousin is at, when he has been "my" baby since the day he was born. I hate standing by and watching friendships fall apart and not know what to do about it. But i hate even more that i'm a big baby who's too scared to make a move.
My dad called me a workaholic today, and it might actually be fitting... i found myself trying to do at least one thing along with watching movies with my fam today... and i kept getting up and pacing - completely antsy - and obsessing about friends and people i hardly even know. Its prob a bad sign that by day 2 of a 4 day weekend, i'm worrying about work, thinking about the people there and planning the work week ahead.

i realize that this is all prob more than you wanted to read about me, and you prob think i'm a big suck and horrible joyless person, but there it is. Isn't it funny... i thought that my anger and sadness was "inexplicable", and then went on to discuss and explain... hmmm, maybe i should write out more of my little life conundrums...

REGARDLESS of the above regurgitation of woe, it has been great spending time with my parents and my sister... time is precious - somedays it feels like we're on a limited time deal. It was also really good to catch up with some far away friends and visit with those i see but never get to talk to.
I still believe that life is formed by the people in your life - its up to us to take what we can out of each situation, but God has put some awesome people in our way.

but i should sleep.
peace.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

DYNAMITE IN A SMALL MOVIE

Just a quick note... if you're looking for something quirky and quite funny to watch, i recomend Napoleon Dynamite. FUNNY movie.
I'm REALLY tired, and am planning to relish every moment i spend in bed tomorrow :)
so i'm going to head there now, and to all a good night.

all these actions, all these words, will not matter in the end

[i heard this song today, and i was going to write something deep and profound about it, but i think i might just leave it as is.]

I could travel over oceans, cross the deserts, climb the mountains
Just to share your story, bring you glory, and win souls for you.
I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful
Full of drama and emotion, so the world would know your truth.
I could give away my money and my clothes and my food
To restore those people who are poor, lost, and down-and-out.
Oh, I could succeed at all these things,
Find favor with peasants and kings,
But if I do not love, I am nothing.

I could live a flawless life,
Never cheat or steal or lie,
And always speak so kindly, smile warmly, and go about doing good.
I could dedicate myself to do what everyone else wants me to-
Listen to them, compliment them, say the things I should.
I could show up every sunday, lead the choir and Bible study
And they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend.
Oh, I could achieve success on earth, but success cannot define my worth
And all these actions, all these words, will not matter in the end-

Songs will fade to silence,
Stories, they will cease.
The dust will settle, covering all my selfless deeds.
So as I strive to serve you,
Won’t you make it clear to me,
If I do not love, I am nothing.

If I cannot live my life loving my brother,
Then how can I love the one who lived his life for me?

Sent to earth from heaven,
Humble servant, holy king,
Come to share a story, get no glory, and save my searching soul,
You knew that I’d deny you, crucify you, but nothing could stop you from
Living for me, dying for me, so that I would know-

Songs will fade to silence,
Stories will cease,
The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds.
But your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love, I am nothing


I AM NOTHING : Words and music by ginny owens: bmg songs, inc. (gospel division)/above the
Rim music (administered by bmg songs, inc.) (ascap)

young for a moment

Five For Fighting - 100 Years

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I don't know what it is about this song that i find so powerful and tragic, except that i think we wish ourselves away as we wish time forward. Ever said to yourself "i wish this was over" or "i can't wait till the end of this day/week/semester/year"? I definately have, and its terrible. In grade 11, i had a picture stuck onto the front cover of my dayplanner/diary with the words "carpe diem" on it, and i decided then that i would live by that rule, but alas... i have fallen into apathy and barely even make a move to mark each day as it flies by.
I guess what made me meander down this particular philosophical path was a discussion that i was having with my kids at McNab tonight. One, a 13yr old girl, was debating whether she should go out and get smashed or stay at the center and decorate cookies with the other kids. It was such a startling contrast to me that i was quite staggered. She's so determined to grow up and follow her father in his alcoholism that i sometimes forget that she's just a little girl who really wants to help make and decorate cookies. (now before we get all defensive and scary and accusatory, please note that i am not against drinking at all. in fact, i quite like it. BUT, when i look at the lives these kids live, mostly as a result of their parent's addictions to alcohol and other less legal substances, i have a hard time justifying it. I have an impossible time justifying it when my little kids are getting involved with it too.)

I felt quite silly talking to these 10 - 13 year olds about why alcohol is dumb because it makes you do stupid things and makes you vulnerable, when they started talking about their moms and dads who hit each other and chase the kids or give away their money or "forget" to pay for the phone or the power.
These same little kids, - my little 9 year old boys who come everyday to tell me about their day, or to give me a hug, or to colour pictures with me, are explaining to me about what sex bracelets mean (pretty graphic really... makes you re-evaluate fashion) and spend hours of their day on chatlines with whoever and whatever perverts are online. It really scares me and makes me want to cry. These little children are growing up in front of me, and i can see them becoming hardened and streetwise and vicious by the day, and i can't do anything to stop it. Except pray for them. I don't know how to stand in the gap for them when they can't even see the problem. They're so smart and talented and quick to catch on to things, and it breaks my heart that the kids with major ambition want to be bartenders and waitresses for the rest of their lives, and are considering dropping out of school before they're 15.

I am very blessed.

night.
~carie

christmas carols

i have to say, being out of school at this time of year is an interesting experience. I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself at in the pre-christmas season. Usually by now i'd have bought or made all of my christmas pressies (as a part of my studying exercizes... ;)) but this year i'm pretty far behind in the whole christmas swing. On the other hand, i feel strangely prepared for christmas on a spiritual level. Often i don't feel like i can put much more into christmas than present buying, since i'm trying to stuff as much useless information into my head as possible, but i've been able to sit back and contemplate a little more this year, and spend a little more time being irritated by annoying, meaningless christmas songs. Its tragic to me that such a momentous event as our saviour's birth is celebrated by such odd frivolity. I liked Rachel's post about the fact that christmas is actually an R-rated event. There is sex, fear, terror, bloodshed and many other things that make it so much more than the tinsle and glitter.

To completely change direction (i went away and came back...), i got stuck looking at camp pics just now, and am realizing that i've gone the distance from camp... i'm now truly sentimental and everything is falling into the rosy catagory :) If i have to pick an attribute about myself that i like, i think it may be that: somehow I manage to put anything negative really far away, and i have this (admittedly very distorted) happy picture of the way things were. Not that camp was unhappy, you have to understand, it just wasn't all smiles and roses. The pics i was looking at seem to have come from centuries ago already and when i look at them i get all smiley and teary eyed (don't ask me why...?) but i guess its those (now!) carefree days of summer. Its exciting to me that it doesn't end at camp - that i still get to hang with these guys at church and around the city, but its still hard to not get nostalgic about the easyness of friendships and life in the middle of nowhere SK.

Well, seeings as its only 10:50, i think i may go and actually do something about those unmade christmas pressies!

jer 29:11
"for i know the plans i have for you" says the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

ct

I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker

Life is strange - so many things coming and going and changing within minutes and hours and other things continuing forever. Tomorrow is my 6 week anniversary at A&W. Hard to believe. Feels like its been FOREVER already. I think for my sanity's sake, I need to cut down a couple of days. Honestly, I feel like I’m getting dumber by the day. Fortunately, there is life to keep me occupied. I think after a 4 month absence (in spirit - my body's been kickin' around.) I have decided to throw myself back into C&C. I haven't had time or energy to put anything into it this year, and I think I was just sick of the idea of continuing as camp director for my peers. I don't want to be making up games and stuff like that to entertain people - that's not real at all, and I don't want to be that superficial. But it seems hard to extricate yourself from an image. I think I’ve finally succeeded this year - much to the dismay of most who lament the loss of social activities, etc. Well, they'll come back in Jan and we'll see what happens I guess.

OK - I know I’m rambling cos my eyes are watering and my brain is demanding that I give it some sleep....

I love poetry, but I almost can't handle it because it is so personal. I feel like I’m peering into the person's soul, which always makes reading the poetry of people feel kind of intimate, and quite strange for a public place. But I love it... maybe that's why I love quotes so much - they're sort of personal but distanced. I think I’m just too much of a chicken to ever put any of my own work up, but I’ll leave you with this amazing stanza. (can you tell that I like TS Elliot yet? Esp this poem... its about a guy who falls in love with his friend but can't tell her....)

"Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid. "

The Love Song Of J Alfred Prufrock - TS ELLIOT

so.. later.
Carie

"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind."

i have to confess: i am pig headed and very stuborn, but on the plus side, at least i can admit it. (on paper... saying it is a little harder, as it clashes a little more with the pigheaded side of the personality). ANYWAYS... Batgirl tried to MAKE me read Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy for about the first 3 years that we knew each other, and i refused on the grounds that she hates everything i read and refuses to read it. Finally one day we agreed to swap best for best, and i was introduced to the world of Douglas Adam while she was plunged into the marvels of Pride and Prejudice. I have to say at this point, i don't know why i gave her that instead of Wuthering Heights, which has been a clear 19C favourite for a good 8 years, but it seemed conventional. Long and short of the story, i can pretty much quote HHGTTG, and she made it to half way through chapter 2, and part of the way through ch 1 on tape. Ah well.

Regardless, i thought that this seemed like a good time to take an optimistic spin on life as the crazyiness of december hits.

"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer." (HHGTTG)

all my love,
Car

thin threads

do you ever feel like every where you turn, there is just one more thing waiting for your attention?? Its like being at school the week before finals, knowing that the axe is hanging over your head and that you should be doing something about it (rather quickly) but there are just too many other minor emergencies to deal with. For me, this feeling of desparation also comes with a complete emotional set of apathy. I panic about it, but don't do anything and just hope it goes away. Of course it doesn't and i start to feel like a little kid who really needs my mom. Its funny : i understand this perpetual cycle, but feel like i'm too spun out to do anything about it. maybe i just need to go to bed.

In the words of the esteemed douglas adams: "'This must be thursday,' said arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, 'i never could get the hang of Thursdays." (HHGTHG)

later,
ct

i'm a freak

literally.
i'm so tired that i could puke, yet i write another blog instead of going to bed. Man, this never sleeping thing is starting to kick me in the head.

anyhow, this is for all my buddies who are feeling inescapably like this: what do you do when you really just don't have time to sleep in favour of papers, articles, debates and presentations??? I hope you're not crazy... and even though you're measuring out your life in coffee spoons, just think of the three glorious weeks ahead.

merry christmas.

~ Carie


" Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume? "

- (extract) The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock.
TS ELLIOT

At the end of the day

SO i was blown away this afternoon by grace. I have to admit, that in some small way i'm actually getting sick of the concept of grace. Not the practical effects of grace of course... i mean who can have something done for them at great sacrifice but at no cost and reject it coldly? I can i guess. In my humble oppinion, sacrifice is a very abstract concept for us as fortunate people. I know very little about sacrificing EVERYTHING for somebody else, hell - i know very little about sacrificing ANYTHING for somebody else. Realistically - my $25 shoe box for some little kid in africa somewhere really didn't hurt me that much. And honestly, i felt really good after doing it, so who really benifitted? But beyond all that, the concept of grace is something that we talk about all the time in church, and i can understand the meaning of it, and see Christ's sacrifice as pure grace, but i guess sometimes i need pictures to remind me and smash it into my heart and head.
I went to see Les Miz with my mom this afternoon, and once again saw the picture of grace and the possibility of limitless grace. If you don't know the story, Jean Valjean is a prisoner who finally recieves his parole and is taken in for the night by a bishop who feels sorry for the starving man. In return Jean Valjean steals some of the bishop's silver and runs away, only to be caught by the police:


VALJEAN ARRESTED, VALJEAN FORGIVEN


CONSTABLE ONE
Tell his reverence your story

CONSTABLE TWO
Let us see if he's impressed

CONSTABLE ONE
You were lodging here last night

CONSTABLE TWO
You were the honest Bishop's guest.

CONSTABLE ONE
And then, out of Christian goodness

CONSTABLE TWO
When he learned about your plight

CONSTABLE ONE
You maintain he made a present of this silver.

BISHOP
That is right.
But my friend you left so early
Surely something slipped your mind

(The bishop gives Valjean two silver candlesticks)

You forgot I gave these also
Would you leave the best behind?
So, Messieurs, you may release him
For this man has spoken true
I commend you for your duty
And God's blessing go with you.

(Constables leave. The bishop addresses Valjean)

But remember this, my brother
See in this some higher plan
You must use this precious silver
To become an honest man
By the witness of the martyrs
By the Passion and the Blood
God has raised you out of darkness
I have bought your soul for God!

WHAT HAVE I DONE (VALJEAN'S SOLILOQUY)

VALJEAN
What have I done?
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?
Become a thief in the night,
Become a dog on the run
And have I fallen so far,
And is the hour so late
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,
The cries in the dark that nobody hears,
Here where I stand at the turning of the years?

If there's another way to go
I missed it twenty long years ago
My life was a war that could never be won
They gave me a number and murdered Valjean
When they chained me and left me for dead
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread

Yet why did I allow that man
To touch my soul and teach me love?
He treated me like any other
He gave me his trust
He called me brother
My life he claims for God above
Can such things be?
For I had come to hate the world
This world that always hated me

Take an eye for an eye!
Turn your heart into stone!
This is all I have lived for!
This is all I have known!

One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul,
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
And I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!


As he makes a life for himself, he uses the silver to become a factory owner and the mayor of his town, and becomes willing to sacrifice his life in saving an innocent man, taking care of an orphan girl and later in laying down his life for the man she loves. Grace is such an unlimited gift and does not stop with one person but has the potential to affect countless others.
Ironically, not 15 minutes later, as i was driving home in the car with my mom, i was complaining to her about something somebody wants me to do - make friends with a girl i don't know and make her feel welcome and part of the church and christ's body. I was telling my mom about how inconvenient it is, how little time i have and how i'm happy with my friends and can barely keep up with them as it is, and then i started to think about the irony of my tears in the scene above. I (who hardly ever cries) was crying through this play as i witnessed what grace means, but yet i'm hardly willing to extend it to somebody else who requires a far lesser "sacrifice" (if you can even call it that) from me.

I guess this all sort of ties in with what Lynda (from the bridge) and Serge LeClerk from Prairie Hope were saying on Thursday night: people don't really care about what you have, but love and time make all the difference.

ANYHOO
enough sentimentality from me for one evening i think.


last word from "the poor:"

At the end of the day you're another day older
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor
It's a struggle, it's a war
And there's nothing that anyone's giving
One more day standing about, what is it for?
One day less to be living.

At the end of the day you're another day colder
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill
And the righteous hurry past
They don't hear the little ones crying
And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill
One day nearer to dying!

At the end of the day there's another day dawning
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise
Like the waves crash on the sand
Like a storm that'll break any second
There's a hunger in the land
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and
There's gonna be hell to pay
At the end of the day!


love,
car

i have no deep thoughts.... blah...

so 3rf's for the day:

- my favourite gem stone is a saphire... they're incredibly beautiful and brilliant.
- at core i'm a punk rocker. I like most musical genres, but really i'm a big fan of punk and *cough* techno. (shhhh... don't tell)
- my favourite sandwich is avocado on brown bread with pepper and salt. (hey - don't knock it until you try it.... yummy.)


i thought maybe i'd be inspired to great thoughts by my 3rf's, but 'fraid not. meh. bed sounds like an equally good idea ;)


"SLEEP"

looking straight at the light
it never used to be that bright last night
but it's a new day with fuzz in my eyes
alarm is still ringing when I open the blinds
how do these people do it
they are like driving around like there's nothing to it
I imagine it's like the medication their on
or probably just the coffee but
one thing is certain in life
and that is that today I'm going to eat cereal
I mean come on let's get our priorities straight
but before I know it I'm out the door late
just trying to catch some rat or some race
or something I'm not quite sure what it is
so for now I just best keep moving

and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

{chorus}:sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired

they call it commuting
but I think they should call it intravenous
cause it's what I need every time I get
stuck behind a truck, just trying to turn left
just trying to turn left, why are you trying to turn left
why don't you park your silly cube van
hop in I'll drop you off
cause at this rate we'll both be late
but I'd rather be late than sitting here doing nothing

and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

{bridge}:sleep go on and sleep some more
sleep go on and sleep some more

RILEY ARMSTRONG (self titled album.)

THANKS RILEY... honestly couldn't have put it any better myself.


peace,

3 random quick facts

3 random facts for the day:

- my neck cracks in a very scary way (and pretty loudly too). For that matter so do other joints, and my stomach talks loudly when its quiet in the room. Maybe i'm just a noisy person.

- i like sleeping under about 5 duvets, all tightly tucked into the bed... gets reduced to 2 duvets in summer.

- i get to go see "finding neverland" tonight... let you know what i think later (but honestly... how badly can you do with johnny depp?)

if you're bored tonight, there is something called "disrobed" at the Odeon... its the greystone singers fundraiser night (kinda like a talent show.) It rocked last year, so i'd recomend it. 8pm, $5 i think.

but... late for work, so must run.
ciao

living life (or is life living me??? )

ANNA AND EVEN ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!! That's the huge news for the week! I'm so excited for them.... but it feels like i'm suddenly in a group of almost-adults... WEIRD! (no offense anybody!) but its strange when people are moving on with life.

i realized today that we're all just big pretenders, but for the most part we're all pretty ok with that. I was playing with one of the little girls at McNab, and she was "feeding" me her playdough cookies. I pretended to eat one, and she asked if i liked it, and when i told her i did, and asked for another one, she asked me to return the first one to the plate... it's kinda funny how aware we can be of the games we play (even at 6 years old) and still get completely lost in the fantasy. I like life that way i think! I sort of feel sad that i can't completely lose myself in playing games like i did 10 years ago... remember when you could play barbie or my-little- pony for like 3 hours without getting bored? But going back to my earlier point of getting lost in fantasy, i think we get better at self-delusion as we get older, even tho' we forget how to just be in the moment.
For instance: i decided that i would like working at A&W again, and for the most part, i'm doing pretty well at it. Then you get days like today when the delusion bubble pops. Anything that could possibly spill, break, make a mess, fall apart or otherwise just not do what it was meant to do did it today. Then some stupid IDIOT boy/man/IDIOT crapped all over the men's room. NOT a good way to start the day. At this point i came to the conclusion that i hate my life and i want to go bury myself in a blanket burrow in my bed and not come out for like 3 weeks. And just when you think life can't get any worse, suddenly salvation arrives in the form of some little kid who can't go home until they've hugged you goodbye, or a friend who just opens their arms and hugs you without even saying a word (thanks phil). i guess God understands me a little better than i assume some days. And at least they end at bed time.

But my brain has just stalled, and i might fall asleep on my keyboard if i don't get to bed right now. so: Carpe diem. Its all you can do really.

in his grip,
car

A south african childhood

WOW... an almost comprehensive list of my childhood! it's long winded, but wow, the memories.

>>REMEMBER
Before the Internet or the Credit card and overdraft facility...
Before Aids, affirmative action, hi- jacking. Before pregnancy scares and regrettable one-night stands and cane and coke!...

Way back....
I'm talking about the time of Hide and go Seek in the garden or farm yard...or in the dark. The local cafe in town to spend your 50c pocket money after church while you old man was buying the Sunday Times.
Remember Rounders, Clay lyts, catches, touch rugby with a coke bottle (2L with removable black bottom used for flower pots at school) or leather super springbok (if you were really lucky!) for hours on a Saturdy afternoon while your folks played tennis at the club. Garden Cricket with a plastic garden chair as wickets, games normally ending in a wrestling match after a dispute over a run out - remember different runs allocated to different parts of the garden, six and out and breaking at least one window a season.

Beetle bailey, Sharki and Tom and Jerry while you ate your breakfast before school , Images (and the tunes) of "Tick-tock Time", "Willie Walie","Rupert", "LieweHeksie", "The Gummy Bears", "Pumpkin Patch" and "Bennie Boekwurm" still float through your mind.

Out door entertainment took the form of: Jumping the river, living on the beach or in the pool building a swing from a piece of rope tied to a tree (falling off the swing trying to impress your mates!), sliding down the banks on boxes, form little gangs, tennis on the street or swing ball in the backyard.
You had to beg your parents to let you stay up to watch "Dallas", WKRP", "Magnum PI", Family Ties", "Three's Company" and "Who's the Boss" at 8:30pm.

You went to the movies/drive-in to watch "Pretty Woman","Back to the Future" series,"Police Academy","Star Wars","Grease","The God's Must Be Crazy","ET","Rocky III", "Superman","Beverly Hills Cop","Ghostbusters","Top Gun" "Dirty Dancing" and "Jaws".
You owned either a Rubik's Cube, BMX, Donky Kong Game, luminous socks, walkman, Ken doll, Matchboxcars (esp."HotWheels") or a Cabbage-Patch Kid.

The smell of suntan lotion, hot tar and Oros. Wicks bubble gum and chappies for a cent. An ice cream cone from the kombi that plays a tune.

Wait... can you still remember...

Marble season ( goenes, arlies, glasses, moon rocks, spiders,Chinese checkers, ironies ( which ended up chipping many an unsuspecting crab goen), ( hollie ( eye drops, pillie drops, ect), pillie (pile-ons), yoyo season ( fanta , sprite and coke yoyo's or those one with the flashing lights)
Top season ( not as popular, as the above but crept in from time to time)

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere, and your old lady made you "dress up" for the trip.
A million mozzie bites and peeling skin in summer. Sticky fingers and sand in and on everything. Cops and Robbers, Stingers, kissing catchers ( and actually being petrified of being caught by the cute boy in your class) Truth, dare and command - for that matter! foefie slides & climbing trees.
Walking or riding your bike to school - no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Jumping on the bed..... Pillow fights and midnight feasts (which where always not as cool as you expected them to be!).
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down. Getting ichy from lying on the grass in the garden,or from the ticks you picked up herding cattle in the veld!

Being tired from playing...
Remember that...
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Paper water bombs and clay "layts" were the ultimate weapon.
A piece of card in the spokes held by a clothes peg transformed any bicycle into a motorcycle. And for the spoilt kids those coloured boggles which where attached to each spoke and made a lekker sound!
Talking about boggles who remembers those boggles the tennis players used to keep
their laces tied, what ever happen to that ingenious invention!

I'm not finished just yet...
Can you still taste and smell eating jelly powder from the box, ice lollies made from cold drink in Tupperware holders in the freezer.Or jumbo lollies in there plastic sachets, green and yellow were sour! Making sherbet from sugar and ENOS and boiling tins of condensed milk to make caramel - took hours! No camping trip was complete without a tin of condensed milk regardless of whether that camping trip was in your back garden or down at the river.
Marshmallow fish and mice, the more stale they where the better!

Remember when...
There were two types of takkies - Tommies and the canvas ones, and the only time you wore them at school, was for "PT". Or if you went to a farm school ever PT was done bare foot!
Getting into trouble because you were missing a few buttons or torn you school shirt during a tight game of rugby during little break! Normally English vs Afrikaaners - we reinacted the boer war every break during the winter months!
Your mom or aunt
made all your clothes, luminous kit was the heat, brighter the better although because your folks were still stuck in the fashion of the early seventies ended up wearing plenty of brown and earth colours!
50 cents was decent pocket money - bought you a pack of fire balls or jaw breakers and a stick of wicks or a box of smarties or nougat or you could get a lucky packet with the pink sweets!.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 5 cents and feel lucky.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
Remember when it was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or nose, or make 10 cents appear from behind your ear. When you could make your
nose krick with a thumb nail strategically hooked under your front teeth and
watching your younger boet also break his nose trying to imitate you!
When it was considered a great privilege and very unusual to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant or in a proper hotel. Mikes Kitchen if you happened to be in town over your birthday!
Remember the spare ribs and badges (clowns, airplanes ect).
Remember when any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the head master's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving child at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of muggings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat....and some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Didn't that feel good.....just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny- miney-mo."
you could get out of doing crappy jobs if you were quick with"Nix!"
"A race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money was handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a BIC pen pea shooter or a "cattie".
Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Skills and courage were discovered because of a "dare".
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! (most likely in South Africa.)

Have a lekker day!
Carie

making waves

So i figured out tonight what i would like to do with my life in an ideal world. I would love to worship with kids. Don't think i'm just being modest when i say that i am by no means any kind of a musician.... really, my major ability in the musical field is strictly volume! But leading kids into the presence of God through music is one of the most inspiring and exciting things that i know how to do. Not in the "oh yay, look at them do the actions" kind of way, but the truly "focused on who God is" way that kids seem to have so naturally. It's incredible to me.

To completely change direction here... following up on my post from yesterday (well technically this morning, but it was before i slept, so it still counts as yesterday), i see part of my role in life as constantly teaching and changing people's world views and experiences. (it really is fun - and i know you know what i mean, any of you who has tried to convince me to say "ice" or "zebra"). Anyway, i deviate. I introduced my bible study group to some south african foods, among them butternut squash. Today one of them made butternut soup! YAY. i will make a splash in the world. (even if it is just a drip). i hope i can make that kind of splash in letting people see Christ in my life.

~ carie

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time." ~ TS ELLIOT

RANDOMNESS CONTINUED

Inspired by Batgirl, here are my 3 random facts of the day (or 3RF if you will):

> I am sort of afraid of heights (in a my-knees-feel-kinda-like-they-don't-want-to-hold-me way) but bungy jumping was one of the best experiences of my life.

> my favourite colour is purple

> i hardly ever listen to the lyrics of a song until after i've fallen in love with the music


I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED SEEING TREE 63 IN CONCERT IN SASKATOON. i'm not even sure how much i like them (i mean i like "Joy" - as you know if you've ever done kids stuff with me, and "blessed be your name") but they had one stop in Canada and that was in "Kaskatoon,SA" tonight!!! They are from Durban, which, if you know your SA geography (as you should) is only 40 mins away from Pietermaritzburg. i feel that i have let down my countrymen. Oh well. maybe i'll have to start figuring out whether or not i like their music.

HOWEVER, i did have a really fun evening. I went to the benifit concert for the Bridge, and came to the interesting realization that my heart and interests are changing. Even as short a time as about 3 weeks ago, i really didn't understand people with a different economic and social way of life (especially the destitute/drug or alcohol addicts)and frankly didn't bother trying. But i found tonight that i genuinely do care. I guess God is still subtly changing my heart and the way i think about people thru the situations he's putting me in.

I think life is about constantly learning, growing and changing... but this makes me somewhat fickle in my passions. Take drums for instance. I really love playing the drums, but i think what i like even more than playing them is knowing how. There are many things out there that i do, just because i want to know how, and less because i even want to do it. Learning HTML or how to sew or drink beer or dance... the list goes on. Its weirdly like i'm competing with myself to be the best, most well rounded and informed person possible, even though its completely meaningless to anybody else. Having said that, i learnt 2 new, enjoyable things today. Mikos was teaching me to play chess, and did a good job in my opinion. I know he could have kicked my butt in just a couple of moves, but he made me feel like i was fairly intelligent and inspired me to want to figure out chess so that i can be good the next time. The second thing was learning to play guitar with Jordan. I have this remotely dread feeling that i'll never really be any good at guitar, but it seems like a valuable life skill, and i want to be one of those people who can just pick up a guitar and play, whatever my mood. (kind of like running - i really wish that i didn't only have 2 speeds [running and walking]... movies where people get out all their tension by going jogging always inspire me-- [temporarily]).

To think that my original intent was to end each blog with a quote.... (oops). But this one kinda fits i think. (i love TS Elliot. He was a genius). This one is from "The love song of J Alfred Prufrock" L24-34)

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea. "

well, i guess if i want to be a decent human being at 10, i should get some sleep.
so, in the (unfortunate) word of Mike... "checkmate"

and goodnight.

signs of the times...

I got this forward from a friend in south africa who i hardly ever keep in touch with... guess life's just as crazy no matter what side of the hemisphere you're living in.

You know you're living in 2004 when... ..

1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3 You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of four

4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an outside line.

8 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10 You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news .

11 Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND..............

13 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14 As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15 You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16 You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

18 AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

WOW... recognize yourself???????

i'm just scribbling this quickly between work and work... i don't know what's up this weekend... benifit concert for the Bridge @ Emmanuel promises to be excellent. ALSO on Sat Nov. 6,from 8pm-12am: If you like to listen/dance to the big band music of the 30s and 40s, then you should come to the Big Band Dance. The U of S Jazz Bands will be providing the music; D'reers will be catering and there will be a cash bar. Its at the Manhattan Ballroom (10 minutes outside of the city heading east on College Drive). Tickets are $12 for students and $15 for adults. You can buy them at St. John's Music, McNally-Robinson, Presto Musique or the Department of Music office.


anyways, got to get to work
shalom,
Car

Passion (less?)

I realized once again tonight what a wuss I am when it comes to being truly passionate about life and God. Its really scary a lot of the time. Beth (the genius that we ALL know she is) was leading worship, and was focussing on the idea of being passionate about God. I hate that its so easy to fall into the groove of meaningless singing and raising hands or clapping, just 'cus its what you're supposed to do in that moment. Music is such an expressive way to enter God's presence, but one I take for granted all the time. "heart of worship" is kind of cheesy really, but what I want to make worship times into for myself...

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

WOW > every breath... easier said than done me thinks, especially when i'm too chicken to even mention God under the list of things i'm "into". Pray for opportunities and bravery i guess.

I should get some sleep, but a quick theological conundrum from one of my 8 year olds: (this is their idea, not mine - I take no responsibility here.)
If God and the Devil are brothers ("obvious" fact) and both are very powerful, how do we know who would win? Also, apparently the devil is roaming the streets of Saskatoon - he's been seen by the above mentioned 8 yr old. i couldn't get a description for the "have you seen this being sign" tho'. In my opinion, there are prob many devils wandering 'toon town. Scary.
What cuties they are... i can't believe I’ve been given the opportunity to just hang with them and love them for a whole year! Today we were playing at the Travelodge water slides :) GOOD TIMES! we only almost drowned 1 of them, and got almost all of the going down the slides all by themselves! Thank you God for a home with glass windows, a winter jacket, food in the fridge and at least 1 car in my yard. it is no exageration to say that I am heaped with unwarranted blessings. Hopefully i'll have a site up pretty soon, and then you can look at pictures of them from Halloween!

gratefully almost asleep (not quite dead... yet... we'll see at 5am)
~car

SO it lives again. For the most part, I haven't given out my blog address to anybody, and really just used it as some sort of a journal to keep myself occupied and my brain still working, but it seems that it has been birthed into the public eye.
It occurred to me today that i have to stop caring so much about other people's opinions. (I know that it is a pretty standard and even stupid realization... but somtimes these things have to be fully absorbed.) I fully embrace my failings where it comes to being a people pleaser (and thus, pretty much a push over), but it doesn't mean that i should adjust everything i think or feel just because it doesn't line up with popular public opinion, even of people that i really respect. For instance: today somebody at work asked me if i would be in management. Now, granted working a minimum wage job at a fast food restaurant is not the most glorious or life-changing of careers, but i responded, without really even pausing to reflect (what's new... I’m still trying to extract one foot before i put the next one in) "no... I kinda like where I’m at". For SURE, I do NOT want to spend my whole life working at A&W, but i can say with perfect sincerity that I really don't hate it or even really dislike it. Even though i start work at 6am (bah... 6 hours of sleeping time left... i better hurry up) I get to be my own boss for 4 hours, and pretty much get to be responsible without every problem in the restaurant being mine. I also don't have to work in the kitchen and I get a regular shift, which allows me to live the rest of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better set up... 6 - 2pm means i get to work at McNab and impact those kids while still being busy every night doing what i want to do. Really, all i can say is "thank you God".... there is no question of his goodness (even tho' I’m SO TIRED I can barely keep my eyes open). So do i care that i'm going to be working min. wage at the counter at A&W for the next 8 months? Not really. Even tho' it makes me feel like a loser to tell people what i do, i don't care whether or not they concur.

In other news.... I failed out of clown school today. Well, sorta. I didn't go to the first class, so I didn't get one of the cool little certificates with the bubbles and smiley face stickers. :( Who fails out of clown school? On the plus side, somehow I never paid for it either. SO it seems we're even! I'm just kidding - really, I’m super nervous, but I can't wait to get out there and start clowning!! I've got this scary costume in mind, just have to get it together, fill out the mountains of paperwork and start making new friends! (for those of you who care... the fusia wranglers are an expression of "the other side" that we're meant to explore in our personalities. Its really quite an interesting experience trying to embrace everything you've rejected from your personality. You should try it some day) The most frustrating part of clowning so far is definitely the make up. GRRRRR. How do you make your mouth look like its perpetually smiling without looking like a psycho? I need to do some work on that one I think.
It does sorta make me smile that we put so much weight on little pieces of paper with bubbles and stickers... but isn't most of life like that?? There are a prescribed set of expectations and rules that we're expected to play by, and if we don't, then we're made to feel like failures. Post secondary education was kinda like that for me. There was never any question in my mind that i was going to go to Uni... now look at me 4 years later and working at A&W! To be fair to my self, I loved school, and I can't wait to go back! (ah, how perspectives change... rosy glasses and all that.) But it definitely was in the time line. Next comes career, marriage and kids. HOW SCARY…. I don’t feel grown up enough to cope with all of that, but like a good little conformist, I feel like i should get prepared to face a life that's "inevitably" (and hopefully!) mine.

I am ignorant and naïve. I realize this over and over, but unfortunately, being the vicious cycle it is, I feel powerless to stop it. People do and say things all the time and I assume I know what they’re talking about and feeling and carry on doing whatever, only to be brought up short again and AGAIN AND AGAIN. Grrr.
Having said all that, I really loved Mike’s blog < http://theidiom.blogspot.com/ > I know exactly what he means about feeling completely like you’re wearing masks for ever occasion, but nobody (even the people you love most) really knows who you are underneath, and for the most part that doesn’t seem to really bother them. This leaves the interesting solution: be stalker-like in your knowledge of everybody else and their ignorance of you, or let them see the “real” you (which has the potential to scare them even more). Unfortunately, this is a lot harder and involves a lot more personal commitment than I really like. It means being real all of the time! If that isn’t scary to you, then you’re obviously a lot more of an extrovert than me. (it really amuses me that my most prominent mask is that of an extrovert… so really everything I say and do, etc is really just me playing a part to make people feel comfortable. I know this. But on the other hand isn’t play acting a part of personality too??? WOW > I’m tired and this seems like concentric circles spiralling down the plug hole (to the left of course)).

Life is hard to understand some days, but I’m still holding out for the plan to live each day to the full. Sometimes they just fly by me, and I realize that I’ve done nothing worth writing down in my journal… except talked to all different people for 16 hours. What potential if I decide to use it.
But in order to be functional for 5:10 tomorrow, I should get some sleep and stop rambling.

Over and out.

It WAS a fad

well yes, we all knew this day would come when it would become a fad to kill off your blog and move into the next technological blizzard.

Hmm, really wish i remembered what i wanted to blog about.. oh well.

On a slightly more theological note, i was thinking how easily we get ourselves into trouble. Take David for instance. He screwed up (and screwed Bathsheba) causing disasterous results for her husband, social standing and life in general (i mean she had to marry the guy, live with his multiple other wives and continue sleeping with him after her husband's just been killed). So he makes this one mistake of sleeping with her and then he has to fix it, getting deeper and deeper into trouble and feeling cornered. Sucks cos it seems like such an easy trap to fall into.
The other thing i was thinking of, since it relates directly to David's affair with Bathsheba, is Psalm 51.. where he talks 'bout being washed as white as snow... and linking that with phil's msn sign in - snow covers all imperfections. We ask for forgiveness and not only does it get covered up.. we get to start all over again! Imagine the possibilities. What a graceful God.

Last thought of the night - shouldn't assume i understand kids, they always surprise me.

Last last thought - Friends make life worthwhile. TBT (to be treasured)

into the night i go...
car

Dutch courage...

its interesting to me to see how awkward life gets... somehow it just creeps up on you, until one day you can't figure out what went irrevocably wrong. i hate how strange real life is somedays. Take camp people for instance. We have lived together, worked together, argued with each other, played pranks on each other, ignored each other, gossiped, teased, learnt new stuff, faced old fears and grown together.... but when we see each other in the shopping mall, all we can do is say "wazzup" and look desperately for some sort of escape. I think somehow its all related to Matt & Lisa's little debate about honesty in blogging. I agree with Lisa that nobody wants to expose the real and sometimes ugly side of our personality... its just human nature to want everybody to think the best of us, but what starts to make us anxious is the people that have discovered who the "real me" is... makes me really vulnerable, very nervous and completely unable to figure out how to deal with those people in real life. I figure friendships and relationships are much the same. You go along your merry way, assured of friendships that are so great that you don’t have to even think about how you got there or where you’re going, then one day you find that you are too nervous to even msn the person cos you don’t know where they’re coming from or why everything is so weird.

SO… my new resolution: honest, adult conversation.

Easier said than done from somebody who is completely terrified of emotion. (I’ll admit it!) I can deal with anybody else’s feelings pretty well, but (like every other human being I suppose) I really don’t like to put it all out there. Mostly, I think I’m afraid people will be bored or simply not care about my petty issues. Or i assume that i'm reading more into a situation than the other person even cares about. But no more pussy footing around. One honest conversation was enough to convince me that its completely worth the awkwardness. To think I was risking a close friend on my lack of self confidence.

Well, that’s me, over and out. Hope I don’t make too many people completely uncomfortable with the deep conversations I am about to embark upon.
Wish me luck
~ cat

bohemian feminist... truth, love and freedom

hmmm, just got an interesting email link to a feminist article (http://www.boundless.org/regulars/kaufman/a0000947.html)and i thought that i should at least respond to it as someone who always responds to sexist coments is compelled to do...: i agree fully.

Seriously, i would not consider myself anything less than a feminist in that i expect equal opportunities to be given to men and women of the same calibre. I do however feel strongly about the issue of ability. Women and Men are created differently with different thought patterns, emotions and physicality. Nobody in their right minds would contest that point i don't think. This means that women and men are able to do different things better.... ie: should women be firefighters and police(wo)men? DEFINATELY. IF they are able to do the job as well as their male counterparts. Seriously... how would you feel trapped in a burning building if the female firefighter couldn't do anything her male partners could do because she simply doesn't have the physical strength??? I think i would be pretty disapointed as my house fell in around me and my hair caught on fire. Its like saying to a preschool teacher that they should design and build a bridge, simply because they are interested in civil engineering and have vast experience with Lego. Of course, they have the choice and possibly the ability, but i would like them to be able to prove themselves in a civil engineering exam before i drive over their bridge, adn if they can't pass the exam, i don't want them in that position. its not discriminatory... its common sense!

The whole thing with being created differently leads to different desires and expectations from life. Most people of both genders expect to someday be married/ find a partner with whom to share their lives, and most plan homes and jobs and kids with that. Biologically women are obviously given the choice to reproduce, and even though it sometimes comes at the sacrifice of career or other things in life, pregnancy in itself is a choice.
SO we continue to throw around the catch phrase of the century "CHOICE". it really is a foundation of feminism, and as Matt Kaufman points out - choice means the opportunity to do one of many options. Feminists knock stay-at-home moms for not getting out there to work.... maybe they haven't considered that what Susan B Anthony, Emily Murphy and co were fighting for wasn't to go out and work or go and take over politics or anything like that, but simply to be equals in society. They were really fighting for abolition and temperance and the right to vote, along with other social issues that were affecting women's opportunities to live in equality with men. I mean it was a big deal when Emily Murphy won the battle in 1929,to have England’s Privy Council declared that the term ‘person’ must include women. In my postfeminist view on the world i expect that women and men be given the same chance to opportunities, and may the best qualified and suitable person win. Women do have the chance to get out there and work if they want to, but they are also given the most wonderful opportunity to stay at home with their kids. Now, i'm not advocating for or agianst stay at home moms - i definately want my career to make a difference in the world... but i do think that we're privileged in our society to have the option to stay home if we want it. A year of mat leave? For either parent? REVOLUTIONARY CHOICE FOR BOTH GENDERS! The only difference is that the woman usually gets to use that time to be with her child while her partner has to get out there and make the cash. Who said life was fair? Pain of childbirth vs never being able to give birth yourself? I don't know, pretty powerful. It must feel like you're being excluded from a private mother-child party some days as a dad.

As for not contributing to society... i'm 100% with kaufman on this one... isn't raising children a vital contribution to society? Children will learn what they are taught, and if they're taught that their parent chose to stay at home with them, even at financial loss to her/himself, is that not the most powerful lesson on CHOICE and freedom and love?

Going back to my origional and somewhat sidetracked point about God creating women and men differently, is that God has given women the instict to want to concieve, give birth and create a home for her children, and he has given men the instinct to want to provide for his family. This doesn't mean that they are confining roles - i know some stay at home dads who have raised incredible children and who have seized the opportunity while their wives have chosen to go to work. Either way though, both parents have made the choice, and just as in the work place - may the best parent "win" the chance to be at work or with their kids.

i have so much more to say and think about this topic, but i need to sleep and consider some more. Maybe tomorrow will bring some new insight.

For now... dreamland awaits.

Randomness and conclusions

i'm glad i put the "i don't think i'm going to be a very consistant blogger" disclaimer in my first blog... its 4 months to the day since my last entry, and i was seriously considering letting this site die completely. HOWEVER, i still like the idea of putting random ideas out there in cyber space, whether or not anybody reads them is kinda irrelevant. But, i am determined to not let this become a "i did this today" type journal entry, which it looked like it was going to become when i got bored of it in the first place. SO LET THE RANDOMNESS BEGIN...
Just got home from camp today, (again) and realized that i do not spend enough time with myself. That seems like a completly mundane observation, but really, there is nothing like 10 days of introspection to drive you to thte point of having to actually get to know yourself. In some ways i feel like i have no real personality... i just check in with the rest of society every now and again and adjust my opinion accordingly... not that i always agree, but i never seem to feel strongly about anything originally. I don't know if that's a bad thing (does somebody want to let me know so i can build my world view around them?), actually i think its really just a symptom of not caring. REALLY tho', back to my point about not knowing yourself, i think its completely possible to avoid understanding who we really are, and what makes up our likes, dislikes and interests. Camp at the best of times can be quite lonely, even with 130 other people running around, but being up there for 10 days with 3 fairly introverted people for company really showed me that i don't really like spending time in my own company. (proof: I watched Moulin Rouge 5 times in 4 days. I mean its good, but...?) I think its why i keep myself perpetually busy with friends and school and church and everything else i get involved in. I move so fast from thing to thing i hardly spend time savouring each moment.

Conclusion to this journey of self discovery:
I like musicals that i can sing loudly to.
I like to escape to somebody else's reality and escape my own mind.
I want to have some sort of fairy tale romance and marry prince charming "come what may".
I don't like broccoli.
I kinda like cooking, esp when somebody else is in charge.
I like puzzles.
I love sunrises and i like taking pictures of them, even tho' i suck at photography.
I like photography.
I like washing dishes, hot water and soap all the way.
Lonely people don't really care if they know you at all before they tell you their sad stories, and mostly they don't really care if you think anything about their situation. They just need to talk. Old people have facinating lives and stories.
I am not patient.
I am scared of bears and cougars.
I have a very sad life which revolves alot around my computer.... recieving 56 new emails and only 1 phone call should indicate something.
Perfectionists annoy me. People who do half ass jobs annoy me.
I am bad at dealing with finances.
I don't like responsibility, but i can't stop people giving it to me.
I hate making major life decisions and watch movies (or anything really) instead of thinking.
I really like talking afternoon naps in the sunshine.
Appearances don't really matter when it comes to love. They are a good interest factor, but i really don't care.
Friends are precious and should be cherished. (that means dedicating 100% to them when i'm with them, not trying to be everything to everybody).
I can't be everything to everybody.
The world will continue really well without me.
My friends like me for who i am, not what i can do for them.
The ones who care want to know all the small details of mundane life.
Friendship is often a very onesided thing and figuring out that you know every detail of somebody's life and that they hardly notice when you're around (or not) is pretty depressing.
Major revelation: if i give up on friendships they will die, and the other person will honestly not be able to fix it because it is all in my head!
I like to play outside and run around, but i like to be a lazy couch potatoe too.
Making life timelines is a silly idea. I want to live life to the full and experience it all. Carpe Diem.
I want to marry my best friend.
I don't care if i date one guy or a thousand before i get married.
i want to have children, but definately not for a long while.
I am a people pleaser and suck at saying no to things.
I suck at loving God. I am really self centered and will do just about anything to avoid contemplating my own mortal fallibility and STUPIDITY! Especially in relation to His perfect wisdom and knowledge.
I do many unexplainable stupid things. It's a mystery even to myself.
I am competitive and have to compete with myself to keep me motivated. Good thing about the stupidity. I can convince me to do just about anything.

Pretty conclusive thinking for somebody who doesn't like to think about anything real in my head.

Well, enough with that for now, more to follow if i feel the need for more self definition. Thank you God for your "special" plan of unemployment. Guess i'm getting the time i need to evaluate where i'm going in life...

- car

Jemima

Its crazy - that time of year has finally rolled around... I go up to camp on Monday morning with BM... its really terrifying, i don't feel prepared at all. I just have to keep reminding myself that i was at this spot last year and it was all fine, so i guess i just need to trust God for a bit (or a lot!) of inspiration. I am looking forward to being up there with some really great people, and i think its going to be be a great summer, but its really hard leaving everybody behind here. I feel super lucky to have the amazing friends that i have here... (sniff, sniff, soppy moment) At least i have my trusty cell. people are starting to call me james... going to have to keep that under control..

So i've finally decided on a name for my car, after owning her for 2 unispired years. "jemima" seems to be a fully excellent name for a strong black woman like her, so Jemima it is. I'm hoping that she lives up to her name and keeps chuffing for a long time still- especially this summer up at camp...

Decided that i needed a new and funky hairstyle for the summer... need a cut desparately, but went with dye for now... I'm orange now :) haha - and to think i've laughted at colour faux pas!! ah well, i guess "fun" is definatly what it is!

I'm gonna head to bed now, as soon as i get off the phone with JW - i've had such amazing communications with her this week, like 6hrs in the last 5 days... its amazing!!! i better keep this up, even if its under rather unhappy circumstances...
Gonna go say "bye" to Rebecca at the airport tomorrow at 5am (uggg) - then planning to go have b-fast afterwards... don't know if i'm gonna wake up in time! or be the least bit friendly... better get some sleep.

shalom...
~ Carie

BINGO BUZZ

So i'm in the process of working off my speeding ticket, and i had an epiphany about what it really means to be part of the family of God. It was me and 6 senior citizens working, and i discovered that they are from a little church about 1/2 hr north of the city. They were volunteering at the bingo hall to raise money for their church, but they went out of their way to make me feel loved. it was the most crazy thing. I don't know them at all, but the 6 of them made me see some of my frienships with people in the church in 50 years - its quite exciting! They are a group of wild an crazy 55- 75's who are going out for supper now (12:45 am! - sound familiar ?!?!) They know practically nothing about me, but they made the biggest effort to thank me and commend me for any little thing i did, and i actually wanted to go hang with them! SO WIERD.
Its strange - i think i've actually enjoyed doing community service at the Bingo hall! its fun being with completely different people and seeing how they live their lives, and its equally fun having them touch mine!

So now that that ramble is over, here goes another.

I really don't understand what God is doing a lot of the time. I think i've figured out life, and everything finally seems to be going in the direction i saw coming and then everything changes and i can't make my eyes focus properly on the different scenery. The one thing i do know tho, is God is good. it always takes me a bit of time and a lot of hind sight to figure it out, and usually a lot of tears and frustration, but God is good, even in his "special" way.
Our Bible study group has decided to Study James, and lo and behold, the first 5 verses:

Trials and Temptations
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Thank goodness God is in control - i'm glad i can just ask, cos most of the time i lack ALL wisdom, and don't even know what to think or say. On the other hand - how have i escaped so much pain and suffering? When i look at people my own age and younger, i'm blown away by how lucky i am...

SO i think i'm done now...
in his grip.
c

The game of life

Tonight was a great night. I got married, (to a guy fondly called "the hottest man on earth" - who can go wrong with that?), won $1.3 million dollars and hung out with some very cool people.
Overall, its been a pretty good day. Dragging myself out of bed this morning was unpleasant as usual (but i was only 1 min late for work... i think my butt is used riding furiously to work again on really bumpy SK roads..) and in the 10 mins i was awake and talking before i left for work, i managed to have a gynormous fight with my mom, which hasn't happened in ages (thank goodness!).

The day improved with getting a bunch done, and then going for lunch with Alexa at the Mendel. Really the main displays sucked, but it was fun to hang out with her and look at all the great artwork done by 8 year olds who could take me in any art competition. its really kinda sad, but i guess its good to know your limitations...

The evening got better with making up with my mom (not like that you sickos), and got even greater when Jill arrived to stay over... she's actually putting herself thru the whole torture of grad... can't say i'm sad to be missing that, the photo op in the studio proves to me that i wore a cap and gown, and the certificate on my wall will make me very happy. (esp in the free frame sponsored by evan ;) Although i'll have to find something good to do with my "indemnity diploma" yay, i get to be as south african as i like... (as if that ever stopped me before!) Evan's fake boyfriend value is definatly going up, but he may still have to work a little harder to get the fake break up status removed ;)

Since i feel like i started out well, here's my quote for the night from another fav book - Hitch Hiker's guide to the Galaxy... there may be lots of these quotes in the future, its so hard to choose!


He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. "I will go mad! he announced".
- HHGTTG

shalom

joining the rant - waggon

Today i decided that enough was enough - i need to catch up with technology and start making my rants public... i figure blogging will be way easier - everyone can just read them and i won't have to try and explain what i'm talking about all the time!
HOWEVER i do know me better than to think that this is going to be an everyday event - really i don't have that much to rant about and my life isn't that interesting (and my attention span is very short!)... so there may not be that much to say.

I've just gotten back from a great camping turned sleepover weekend at Shannon's in Edmonton, (yes we're wusses and it WAS COLD!)and all i can say is... crazy people! Seriously a fun weekend tho - just missing a few key funk family members ;)

since this is my first venture into cyberspace, i thought i should end it on a classy note, i'm sure TS Elliot would have something a little more elloquent to say, but here's his thought on friends:

"You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends,
And how, how rare and strange it is, to find
In a life composed so much, so much of odds and ends,
[for indeed I do not love it.. you knew? you are not blind! How keen you are!]
To find a friend who has tehse qualities,
Who has, and gives
Those qualities upon which friendship lives.
How much more it means that i say this to you -
without these friendships - life, what cauchemar!"

- Portrait of a lady (TS Elliot)

(and before you ask - i don't know what cauchemar is... i'm just an igorant English major... i think it's french for "nightmare")

so that's me... signing off on my very first post ever. YAY.
~ carie