happy Canada Day

This has been such a good relaxing weekend - went swimming on Friday night with Anna, Evan and Vangie, and then watched a ridiculous girl movie (sans Evan.) Saturday was sleep in until 1pm! (yay for days when you thought you had to work but didn't!!!) then errands and Ruckers for some good ol' beat that crocodile fun! Although the lemon tried to bite her, anna's lemon marangue pie was something to marvel over. Came back home for a fire, but the mozzies were out to get us, so chilled inside and just chatted with Anna & J. J& I decided to check out the Flying J - big mistake on my part... the burger was YUMMY... but i came home at 3am WIDE AWAKE. So i watched "Water" - possible the best foreign film i have seen (other than "Life is beautiful" and "Amelie")... it is amazing and sad and beautiful all at the same time.
the 5am bedtime didn't bode so well for work this morning... but hey - a bit of caffeine and we're set. It really wasn't that busy anyway.
This evening was the Bezopalooza... surprisingly quite fun! I had a really good evening catching up with a variety of people i havent' seen in forever. surprising how your world can somehow shrink until you can't see anybody but the people in your immediate vacinity, until one day you surface and realize that everybody else is still there, its just a matter of focussing the vision finder.
Anyway, now that i'm worked, fed and fireworked, it is 1:21 and i am ready for bed.. got to be fresh for my big first day tomorrow at the park!

till later,
C

I'd never even heard of these guys, but i caught this song on the radio and liked it...

Music Video:SECOND CHANCE (by Faber Drive)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

weakness r us

weak in the knees
serena ryder

Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else
doin' somethin' we wanted to
cause all this livin' makes me want do is die
cause i can't live with you
you don't even care

Would you mind if I pretended
I was someone else
with courage in love and war
I used to think thats what I was
but now this lying hurts too much
and I don't know what for

I'm weak in the knees for you
but I'll stand if you want me to
my legs are strong and I'll move on
but hunny i'm weak in the knees

Would you mind if I walked over
and I kissed your face
infront of all of your friends
would you mind if i got drunk and said,
"I wanna take you home to bed"
oh would you change your mind?

I'm weak in the knees for you
but I'll stand if you want me to
my legs are strong and I'll move on
but hunny I'm weak in the knees
for you


Leave The Pieces
Jennifer Hanson & Billy Austin

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

© 2005 Sony Music Publishing / Warner Chappell

why do all good things come to an end?

Music Video:ALL GOOD THINGS (by Nelly Furtado)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

so i guess i'm not that good at breaking up. in fact i think i suck at it. i'm like a freaking wet sponge. life is so complicated. i wish i could escape while not letting anything go. how does that work??? and how long does this take? Its been 7 weeks already. Having said all that, i'm too stupid and stuborn to pack up and leave for a while. my best friend is more precious than anything and i can't let that fall apart. ug. life sucks somedays.

i'm fine. really.

more random stuff about me...

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
nope - share my mom's name is my second name tho'.. my mom wanted to name me lorrie if i was a boy.. my dad objected. So its a good thing i was a girl - who knows WHAT i'd have been called other wise!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
7 hours ago

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes – it was better in high school.. damn computer has ruined my writing skills.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
mmm - salami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. well - i take care of them all the time... so not biologically. but kinda, yes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
of course!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
me?... noooooo....

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Nope - they whipped them out 2 days after my sister was born. Guess my mom couldn't deal with 2 wailing kids.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
YUP - have done!! Off the Bloukraans Bridge... i'd recommend it... crazyest 5 seconds of your entire life!!! Check out the highest commercial bungee in the world!!! http://www.faceadrenalin.com/


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
ummm. don't really eat it.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Sometimes - drives my mom NUTS!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
yup.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
ROLO!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
their confidence level

15. RED OR PINK?
neither. maybe pink MARGINALLY more.

16. WHAT IS the least favorite thing about yourself?
ummm - eyes i think. Except it would be nice if they worked better~!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
My bestest best friends

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
decided to go the blog route - that way the people that care can read this... read on faithful fans!

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
jeans and no socks.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
mmm - just shared my little kid's rice crispies... didn't get time for brekkies this morning.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW
"Cars" movie

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
freshly cut grass

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my boss

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
sez rocks.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
one day cricket

28. EYE COLOR?
blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTActs
used to... ran out of money. so now i'm back to glasses (until i get less broke)

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
pasta

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
watched "deja vu" yesterday - surprisingly good. (**not FANTASTIC** but good enough)

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Bright pink that says "i love nerds" - my only article of pink clothing!!

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I'm a summer baby all the way through

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
both? hugs are universally nice. but i really like kisses!

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
cheese cake

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
meh-

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
whatevs

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
in between books actually. NO MORE STUDYING FOR ME EVER~!

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
its just blue

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT?
nothing

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
don't know...

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
don't really listen to either. a little before my time.

44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Canada or South Africa... guess depends which "home" we're talking about here...

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
i can touch my nose with my tongue.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
PMB

poetry mood

LITTLE GIDDING
(No. 4 of 'Four Quartets')
T.S. Eliot

V
What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make and end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from. And every phrase
And sentence that is right (where every word is at home,
Taking its place to support the others,
The word neither diffident nor ostentatious,
An easy commerce of the old and the new,
The common word exact without vulgarity,
The formal word precise but not pedantic,
The complete consort dancing together)
Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning,
Every poem an epitaph. And any action
Is a step to the block, to the fire, down the sea's throat
Or to an illegible stone: and that is where we start.
We die with the dying:
See, they depart, and we go with them.
We are born with the dead:
See, they return, and bring us with them.
The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree
Are of equal duration. A people without history
Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern
Of timeless moments. So, while the light fails
On a winter's afternoon, in a secluded chapel
History is now and England.

With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this
Calling

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

T.S. Eliot (1888–1965). The Waste Land. 1922.

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD


APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

...

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water.

Counting Beans

The Bean Counter


This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing and you think, "Why didn't I see him immediately? "

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people.

If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally.

If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.

If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

And, yes, the man is really there!!!

Chris Daughtry - It's Not Over

I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything
And I can't deal with that.

I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?

(well i'll try to do it right this time around)
let's start over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We've wasted too much time
Being strong and holding on
Can't let it bring us down

My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?


Cause it's all misunderstood

(Well I'll try to do it right this time around)
Let's start over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

We can't let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out.

It's not over
We'll try to do to it right this time around
Its not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

Lets start over
Its not over

Yeah yeah
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over

I love my mom!

- this is a funny forward i got - definately heard most of these at one time or another :P

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

jobbed

so interviewed, got the job, turned down the job, now don't have a job. Silly?
I don't know. but i feel completely at peace about the whole thing, and i know that God's in control. So leaving it to him... easier said than done!
I am nanny-ing for the next couple months and then hopefully working for the city for the last couple... so that should be fun!

Now to get to some studying... eek!
C

So last weekend was the Junos, in humble little Saskatoon....
We went to check out the jazz (since Mark Zielke was playing) - WOW!! Man, that Mark Zielke sure knows how to rock the house! My favourite part was when he hurt his finger and started to bleed all over the piano. His solution: play a blues song whilst wiping the blood off the keys. And it sounded fantastic!!! GENIUS!!

AWW! Look how cute we are! all dressed up and ready to party :)


Kelly Lee Evans came after Mark - INCREDIBLE!! I don't know how she didn't win an award. She is seriously amazing. I think i need to buy her disk. She's also coming back for Jazzfest in June, so i'm definately going to that.


Here's Julia and I dancing up a storm... wooo! Kelly literally came down into the audience and pulled us to our feet! What fun :)

Shay

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

We all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

measure your life

Music Video:SEASONS OF LOVE (by Rent)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

hungry and naked!

"When i get a little money, i buy books. And if there is any left over, i buy food and clothes." - Desiderius Erasmus (1460 - 1536)
(Dutch Renaissance Scholar and Thologian)

some random questions

1.What would you do if a leprechaun jumped out of the bushes and stole your wallet?
take him down!

2. If you encountered a drunken bear what would you do?
steal his booze?

3. Lucky charms or fruit loops?
ummm. neither. I like plain ol' rice crispies

5. If you were going to a costume party tonight, what would you be?
princess

6. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
honesty

7. What would you rather have; a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
UGG! Housekeeper for sure! I am not good at this whole housekeeping thing. And a housekeeper could cook right?

8. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may or may not contain $500.
Take the 50 - i'm not much of a gambler.

9. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
caramel/ toffee. Mmmm - as much like rolo icecream as possible!

10. Rock, paper, or scissors?
rock. no reason.

11. What is your wallpaper on your cell phone?
snowboarder. He's there to remind me that someday i'll be a truly excellent boarder too.

12. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
fly

13. Last movie you watched?
"Stranger than fiction" - it was ok - not brilliant.

14. What is the first word that comes to mind right now?
sleep

15. What color are your sheets?
blue and yellow stars

16. What is your favourite flavor of Kool-Aid?
green apple

18. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?
huh - i don't know. i'd have to plan it out... sounds fun!

19. What size ring do you wear?
8

20. What was your elementary school mascot?
a dragon.. can't remember its name. but i was responsible for it on hockey tours!

21. What is your favourite Starbucks drink?
mmm... chai tea latte. with lots of cinnamon!

22. Are you a health freak?
nope. prob should look into that tho'...

23. Have you ever been to college?
uggg.... have i ever left?

24. Are you a member of the mile high club?
um... no

25. Do you like your neighbours?
i think they might be drug dealers. Actually, they're probably not, but they seem so awfully nice that its hard not to suspect them!

26. Would you kill someone?
nope

27. Have you ever been arrested?
no

28. Have you ever slept with someone out of pity?
no

30. Have you ever been hit on by the same sex?
sadly yes (it was pretty odd actually.)

31. Do you wear perfume or cologne? If so what is your favourite?
yeah - an AVON (i know, i know - the evil empire!) perfume called "Starring"

32. Tan or Pale?
i'm aquiring prairie pale.

33. Planes or Buses?
Planes - i LOVE flying. Considered a career in flying, but its not much for having a life...

34. Diamonds or Gold?
amethests

35. Who let the dogs out?
not me. i wish nobody had.

36. Orange juice or Apple juice?
apple's my favourite, but i like orange to spice things up.

37. Do you shower daily?
yup. its a pretty good policy if you want to keep your friends!

38. Have you ever made out with just a friend?
no comment?

39. Would you date someone younger than you?
apparently!

40. Would you date someone older than you?
yup

41. Could you live without sex?
probably not - don't really know.

42. Snakes or Rabbits?
i like bunnies!

43. Have you ever Googled yourself?
frequently.

44. Ever starred in your own film?
well, i don't know about "Starred", but i played a major role in "Beq-watch"

45. Do you believe in aliens?
why not? If God made life on Earth, why would he stop there?

46. How do you vent anger?
silence, venting outloud and then usually writing. (its a process!)

47. What is your favourite word?
"ooo - kay!" (i don't know if its my favourite, but its definately an abused word in my vocab)

48. Good or Evil?
me? angelic! (tee hee!)

49. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
yup

50. Logic or Art?
i'd say logic. some would disagree ;)

51. Do animals have souls?
i don't know.

52. Rough or Sensual?
sensual

53. Do you smoke?
nope.

54. Do you believe in Love?
of course!

55. Last time you saw your mom?
Monday. Its her birthday tomorrow! She's turning 21 apparently.

56. Have you ever met a celebrity?
nope. umm - does Riley Armstrong count?? Haha.

57. Mints or chewing gum?
Gum

58. Have you ever danced in public?
i try not to. but yes. way too many times!!

59. Would you consider it fun to have the cops chase you in a pursuit?
nope! I always want to cry when i get pulled over - and not for sympathy but because i HATE getting in trouble!

60. Do you have a big mouth?
medium. but a SUPER long tongue.

Wow - its the middle of a busy Tuesday. I have 3 papers to write and a presentation to prepare for tomorrow. But i thought i'd take a short break while walking over to pick up some books from the library. On route the thought of tea and donuts called to me - who doesn't need a donut and a cuppa tea when writing papers?

When i got to Timmy Ho's, i made my order, and discovered, true to university's mandate on inconvieniences, they do not have debit. Nor do i ever have cash. Nor am i willing to put in the effort to go find cash when i should be back writing my papers. So i appologize and prepare to walk away. As i do, another Timmy Ho's lady says - "here, let me fill it up..." and takes my travel mug. I say "no - i don't have any cash" and she says "what did you want?" I repeat - "uhh - i don't have any cash..." and she says "what did you want." Its funny - i have no problems giving people things - but accepting freebies is a humbling experience.

Naturally, since i'm supposed to be writing papers, i'm thinking about anything but papers, and i was preoccupied by the thought of grace. Her simple GRACIOUS act has changed my day - i couldn't find any words to thank her enough for a cup of steeped tea she was probably going to throw out soon anyway. But she made such a big impact on me. I know this is going to sound "floofy" but in all seriousness - what kind of impact do i make on other people on a daily basis by the things i do and say?

This is a quote i was struck by in one of my classes yesterday. Its directed at teachers, but i think it applies to "everyday" situations as well ...

I have come to a frightening conclusion. I am the decisive element in the classroom.It is my personal approach that creates the climate.It is my daily mood that makes the weather.As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous.I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisiswill be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de-humanized.
- Haim Ginot (Between Teacher and Child)

I think it might be one of those things i need to print out and stick on my desk - just to remind me.

I leave you with TS Elliot - one of my favourite - scratch that - my FAVOURITE poet.

This is his "Portrait of a lady"

AMONG the smoke and fog of a December afternoon

You have the scene arrange itself—as it will seem to do—

With “I have saved this afternoon for you”;

And four wax candles in the darkened room,

Four rings of light upon the ceiling overhead,
5
An atmosphere of Juliet’s tomb

Prepared for all the things to be said, or left unsaid.

We have been, let us say, to hear the latest Pole

Transmit the Preludes, through his hair and fingertips.

“So intimate, this Chopin, that I think his soul
10
Should be resurrected only among friends

Some two or three, who will not touch the bloom

That is rubbed and questioned in the concert room.”

—And so the conversation slips

Among velleities and carefully caught regrets
15
Through attenuated tones of violins

Mingled with remote cornets

And begins.


“You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends,

And how, how rare and strange it is, to find
20
In a life composed so much, so much of odds and ends,

[For indeed I do not love it … you knew? you are not blind!

How keen you are!]

To find a friend who has these qualities,

Who has, and gives
25
Those qualities upon which friendship lives.

How much it means that I say this to you—

Without these friendships—life, what cauchemar!”


Among the windings of the violins

And the ariettes
30
Of cracked cornets

Inside my brain a dull tom-tom begins

Absurdly hammering a prelude of its own,

Capricious monotone

That is at least one definite “false note.”
35
—Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance,

Admire the monuments,

Discuss the late events,

Correct our watches by the public clocks.

Then sit for half an hour and drink our bocks.
40

IINow that lilacs are in bloom

She has a bowl of lilacs in her room

And twists one in his fingers while she talks.

“Ah, my friend, you do not know, you do not know

What life is, you who hold it in your hands”;
45
(Slowly twisting the lilac stalks)

“You let it flow from you, you let it flow,

And youth is cruel, and has no remorse

And smiles at situations which it cannot see.”

I smile, of course,
50
And go on drinking tea.

“Yet with these April sunsets, that somehow recall

My buried life, and Paris in the Spring,

I feel immeasurably at peace, and find the world

To be wonderful and youthful, after all.”
55

The voice returns like the insistent out-of-tune

Of a broken violin on an August afternoon:

“I am always sure that you understand

My feelings, always sure that you feel,

Sure that across the gulf you reach your hand.
60

You are invulnerable, you have no Achilles’ heel.

You will go on, and when you have prevailed

You can say: at this point many a one has failed.


But what have I, but what have I, my friend,

To give you, what can you receive from me?
65
Only the friendship and the sympathy

Of one about to reach her journey’s end.


I shall sit here, serving tea to friends….”


I take my hat: how can I make a cowardly amends

For what she has said to me?
70
You will see me any morning in the park

Reading the comics and the sporting page.

Particularly I remark

An English countess goes upon the stage.

A Greek was murdered at a Polish dance,
75
Another bank defaulter has confessed.

I keep my countenance,

I remain self-possessed

Except when a street piano, mechanical and tired

Reiterates some worn-out common song
80
With the smell of hyacinths across the garden

Recalling things that other people have desired.

Are these ideas right or wrong?


IIIThe October night comes down; returning as before

Except for a slight sensation of being ill at ease
85
I mount the stairs and turn the handle of the door

And feel as if I had mounted on my hands and knees.

“And so you are going abroad; and when do you return?

But that’s a useless question.

You hardly know when you are coming back,
90
You will find so much to learn.”

My smile falls heavily among the bric-à-brac.


“Perhaps you can write to me.”

My self-possession flares up for a second;

This is as I had reckoned.
95
“I have been wondering frequently of late

(But our beginnings never know our ends!)

Why we have not developed into friends.”

I feel like one who smiles, and turning shall remark

Suddenly, his expression in a glass.
100
My self-possession gutters; we are really in the dark.


“For everybody said so, all our friends,

They all were sure our feelings would relate

So closely! I myself can hardly understand.

We must leave it now to fate.
105
You will write, at any rate.

Perhaps it is not too late.

I shall sit here, serving tea to friends.”


And I must borrow every changing shape

To find expression … dance, dance
110
Like a dancing bear,

Cry like a parrot, chatter like an ape.

Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance—


Well! and what if she should die some afternoon,

Afternoon grey and smoky, evening yellow and rose;
115
Should die and leave me sitting pen in hand

With the smoke coming down above the housetops;

Doubtful, for a while

Not knowing what to feel or if I understand

Or whether wise or foolish, tardy or too soon…
120
Would she not have the advantage, after all?

This music is successful with a “dying fall”

Now that we talk of dying—

And should I have the right to smile?

WOOOHOOO! The countdown has begun!! 9 school days left :) :) :)
Best news ever. I love being a student, and don't think i'll ever stop taking courses, pds and learning, but I'll sure be glad to be done this formal chunk.... I'm ready for the part where they pay me to work instead of visa versa!!
Eek... only 3 assignments, 6 exams and a couple of presentations to do before then... its going to be a fun 9 days! Well, looks like its time to run.. groceries and all that. And prob a car wash = mine got splattered with mud. Oh the joys of spring. But its +16, so no complaining here!
C

Where's Carie?

oooooooooo.... notice any new changes to my layout?? Probably not. But there have been, if you look SUPER carefully.

Its like "Where's Waldo". Fun times for all.
c

SOUTH AFRICA THE BEAUTIFUL

This is a really long article, but a worthwhile read I think... How do we become so IMMUNE to inhumanity? I agree with, and cry over many parts of this report - I, like most of my fellow Saffas, have lost friends to this senseless crime. There are other parts of this article that make some rather large generalizations...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
c
***********************************************************************************


During the time of National Party reforms in the seventies and eighties, the cliché "adapt or die" used to do the rounds. Nowadays, given the highest murder rate in the world, this should be modified slightly to read, "adapt and die". For the endemic social violence in South Africa is probably incurable.

Optimists think that violent crime can be solved through better policing, more efficient courts and more secure prisons. Even assuming that such improvements were possible under conditions of hard-core affirmative action, it must be admitted that criminal justice treats the symptom and not the cause of social violence. The Department of Correctional Services, for one, has lost 496 out of 500 former Deputy Directors since 1994, representing most of the intellectual capital in the department. Newcomers may learn their job properly, or they may not, but they have to be flown to overseas countries to find out how prisons work as most of those previously involved in managing our prisons are no longer there.
South Africa used to have a problem of political violence. It was not as bad as elsewhere in Africa, but for some reason elicited hysterical international condemnation. However, actors in political violence are mostly driven by some sort of creed or belief system. Whether such a person is a communist, an anarchist, a neo-Nazi or an ethnic or religious guerilla fighter, he is usually amenable to persuasion or compromise. Even a group of Muslim suicide bombers might declare peace if they were given a territory in which to set up an Islamic theocracy, governed only by themselves and not subject to any outside influence.
In the same way, South Africa's so-called liberation movements who were at one time fanatically convinced of the need for violent and bloody revolution, laid down arms and bombs upon being told that F.W. de Klerk would surrender power unconditionally. Solving political violence is often intractable, but not impossible.

Not so social violence. Endemic crime, the breakdown of the social fabric, a sense of drift regarding norms of good conduct, point to a far deeper problem. The freedom fighter or urban terrorist is ultimately rational, despite a value system that normal society might find idiosyncratic.
But what is "normal society"? It is only the sum-total of behaviours prevalent in any given society at any given time. The Aztecs, infamously, practised daily human sacrifice to appease their sun god. It might revolt many of us today, but to them it was entirely normal. South Africa currently sacrifices about 87 humans per day to violent crime, or 32 000 per year. Those are only the ones who actually die. Scores of others are injured, maimed, traumatised, robbed, raped, burgled and so on.

In any suburb today an entire history of murders, hijackings, and other violent events can be written, if only the locals were narcissistic enough to consider their own history worth recording for posterity. On the other hand, social violence lacks the charm and grandeur of political violence as it is usually not committed in the interest of some glamorous cause like national liberation or world revolution but simply to acquire some hapless person's BMW or rape his wife because she happened to be inside.

However, some time ago a Johannesburg newspaper engaged in chronicling some local history in the suburbs of Westdene and Lakefield in Benoni. Nearly every resident had a story to tell, an entire litany of mayhem. Mr. John Gee miraculously survived a shot through the eye, but now feels traumatised. His wife says, "One lives in fear in one's own home. One does not sleep. One prays for protection, yet only more fears come."
But who are the authors of South Africa's social violence? Even asking this question presents one with a sense of discomfort, because most violent criminals in South Africa are young black men between the ages of 16 and 36. As one surgeon who had stitched together at least three child rape victims, two of whom were infants, said recently, "Probably white men commit such acts too; it is just that no-one in South Africa has come across such a case."
Of course, it would be preposterous to say that all young black men are prone to violence. Judging from our daily experiences in crime-torn South Africa, however, a sub-section of that population, large enough to cause more havoc than even a well-equipped guerilla army of a few thousand men, has taken up practices such as heists, hold-ups, murders, sexual violence exacted upon women and children, and so on.

Explanations for such deviancy are manifold. The ubiquitous answer of it being due to apartheid might have been satisfying if other African societies never subject to group areas and a homeland system did not display similar traits. The Congo, Liberia, Sierra Leone come to mind. There is a whole nature/nurture debate around black violence, except that no adherent of the "nature" side would publicly admit to being one, for fear of being branded a racist. Even though mainstream American cancer research has conclusively shown that black men have higher levels of testosterone than their white counterparts, few would hazard the notion that this might be linked to their greater propensity for violent crime.

America has a gargantuan prison population of two million, over half of which consists of African-Americans. This is despite their minority status in the USA, comprising only 12% of an overall population amounting to 290 million. South Africa could neither afford nor succeed, given the dire state of our criminal justice system, in jailing a similar number of black male offenders. Currently, only 10% of murderers in South Africa get arrested and only 6% are convicted. Any murderer therefore has a 94% chance of getting away with it.

If by some miracle all serious criminals in the country had to be caught and imprisoned, the prison population would surely treble or quadruple from the present 200 000, which is already high by world standards. Not only is such an improvement inconceivable under current conditions, but it would also be politically unpopular with the ruling ANC who would be incarcerating large numbers of young black males who are mostly its own supporters at the polls. Few whites, if any, commit violent crime and there are only 3 900 of them in prison, mostly for white-collar offences such as fraud or insider trading on the stock exchange.
All that remains in the world's most violent society, is precisely to adapt and die. Twice as many South Africans of all races now die of murder than of road accidents - even though the road accident rate is also the highest in the world, surpassing that of Turkey. Crime extends to trade in driver's licences, so that a large number of drivers use so-called "bought licences", hardly a contribution to road safety.

There are some people naive enough to think that "something can be done about crime" in South Africa, mostly opposition politicians who dream about diverting funds from arms procurement to policing, but this would be futile. There are already three times as many private security personnel as state-employed policemen, and even they do not succeed in containing what has become Africa's only peacetime killing field.
"I killed them because they were white." These famous words were spoken last year by William Kekana, who participated in one of the most horrendous incidents in which the entire family of Mr. Clifford Rawstorne was wiped out, consisting of his fiancée, baby, as well as his own mother. Even this massacre of an entire family would not have made headlines, were it not for the fact that one year-old Kayla was executed on her very first birthday with a shot in the head. Needless to say, the two adult women were first raped before being killed. Both William Kekana and his accomplice, Charles Fido Baloyi, fell into the high-risk group of young black (and Coloured) males who commit almost all violent crime in the country.
South Africa actually has a Minister of Safety and Security, which to some might seem like an example of absurd humour. His Excellency Mr. Charles Nqakula, whose official résumé proudly states that he was once "a waiter and wine steward", has immortalised himself by euphemistically stating that there was no real crime problem in South Africa, except that it was "a little on the high side".

All in all, South Africa has got remarkably used to its new-found status as the crime capital of the world. The high-rise districts of Hillbrow and Berea in Johannesburg have been officially designated by Interpol as having the highest murder rate in the world, that is, 600 people per 100 000 population members per annum. Consider for a moment that such a figure represents 12 times the rate found in inner-city ghettoes in the United States, often seen as no-go zones by many Americans.
One British immigrant to South Africa who has survived three car hijackings, refuses to emigrate, stating that he is now accustomed to having Kalachnikovs pointed at him from point-blank range. Everyone knows a relative or friend who has been killed or at least subjected to some form of violent crime, and no South African can remotely imagine a society where people do not live behind razor wire, electrified fences, high walls, burglar bars and similar decorative props.

Outsiders might find our lifestyle bizarre, but many pundits in South Africa consider our society to be much more "normal" now than at any time in the past, which was tarnished by ethnic separation albeit without the present large-scale violence. At the height of segregation and apartheid under Hendrik Verwoerd, South Africa was almost as peaceful as Switzerland but she was immoral. Today we are the apotheosis of racial morality and political correctness, yet as violent as the Congo or Liberia. Surprisingly, however, our economy continues to function amid the carnage. No economist has ever studied this as far as I know, but not only is crime our biggest industry - bigger than gold-mining or manufacturing - it also stimulates consumption as stolen goods are replaced; it is a boon to the insurance and security industries and ultimately makes surgeons and undertakers rich. The government earns billions of rands in Value-Added Tax on stolent goods being replaced with new ones. So crime pays.
News about killings or shoot-outs no longer elicits the slightest surprise. It is part of our daily existence, and one assumes the lethal risks attending to something as simple as going shopping or driving to work. My wife, for example, has twice been to the local shopping centre where in the one instance a shoot-out was taking place in the parking area so that she had to hide between the cars with our 18 month-old son in her arms; in the second case an armed robbery had just taken place with the robbers casually strolling by with their guns and their loot.
Everyone knows someone who has been killed, raped or maimed. Just this week, the wife of a friend and former literary editor of Die Burger, François Smith, was stabbed to death with a screwdriver in their home in Wellington, near Cape Town. Her murderer was a 16-year-old squatter camp resident whose race was omitted by the press but presumably few, if any whites, reside in his particular squatter camp which is dedicated to black Africans. Lisbé Smuts-Smith was a well-known academic and head of the Afrikaans literature department at the University of Cape Town. Just two weeks ago, another UCT academic, mathematician Brian Hahn, was attacked by a former student, dr. Maleafisha Steve Tladi (35). Hahn died in hospital a week later, while Tladi was released on bail of R500 (about $80).

Two years ago Louw Rabie, a brilliant albeit reclusive geologist and brother of author Jan Rabie, was beaten to death with a fence pole by two Coloured men to whom he had lent some money a week earlier. Police in the small Cape town of Montagu readily caught his murderers because they happened to have drinking money during the week, taken from his home. He was 80 years old, but in good health. He is reputed to have been one of the most brilliant geologists and intellectuals this country has ever produced, writing copiously throughout his life but disdaining publication and public esteem. Africans with their oral tradition are fond of saying that "when an old person dies, a library burns down". What strikes me about the relentless killings of educated whites, is that the criminals are indeed "burning down the libraries" of this country and physically exterminating the intellectual class, much like Pol Pot did in Cambodia. The media are celebrating youth, dance, colour, being black and exuberant - as opposed to the quiet studiousness of middle-aged and elderly whites, the bearers of knowledge and understanding. Are these learned whites who are being killed in exuberant, paradisiacal outbreaks of violence simply the remnants of a civilisation that is being eradicated in the name of decolonisation? No government spokesman has ever condemned such killings; so we may assume that the present regime is completely indifferent to them, where such killings do not enjoy their tacit support.
Around our local school in the past week there have been two car hijackings, as well as one murder. It is not really considered to be an exceptionally violent area. Most of this is not even reported in the press, because there really is not enough space and ordinary crime is no longer newsworthy. It needs some further sadistic element to make the front page, such as babies getting killed or raped, or elderly farmers being tortured to death. Farming in South Africa is now arguably the most dangerous profession in the world with more than 1600 farmers murdered since 1994, often in macabre and dehumanising ways.

To the outside world, white South Africans are congenitally evil. If our murderers and rapists had been white and their victims black, Europe or the United States would long ago have sent an expeditionary force to put a stop to it. At present, news of white suffering in South Africa inspires the occasional yawn in Western capitals. This is why a recent article in The Despatch, detailing the rape of a dog by three black men, gave me some hope that a chord will be struck somewhere in the coolly indifferent breasts of our fellow-Westerners. Even if the lives of Louw Rabie, Brian Hahn, Lisbé Smuts-Smith, Kayla Rawstorne and tens of thousands of others are of no value to them, perhaps they will take pity on the mongrel bitch in Grahamstown that was recently raped by three black men. Or perhaps two black men, as the third one protested his innocence upon being dragged out of the shack by screaming, "I came here to relieve myself. These two were raping the dog when I arrived!" Cruelty to humans, especially white humans, is today a normal feature of our society, just like human sacrifice used to be in the culture of the Aztecs. Cruelty to animals, or non-consensual sex with dogs, may still evoke some sympathy, not only locally, but also internationally. I therefore feel sorry for Masganda - the name of the dog concerned - who was rescued with a bleeding vagina and in need of veterinary attention, but perhaps this lowly creature of uncertain lineage could become a martyr for our cause in alerting opinion-makers and political leaders of our plight.

Cycling has become a popular sport in South Africa. However, its practitioners regularly get shot at by gangs of black youths in the street, so that many of them carry guns and knives for self-defence on their bicycles. Members of the Johannesburg mountain-bike club were outraged a while ago when two cyclists, Scott and Lloyd Griffith, were charged with murder after an armed battle with their four black assailants, one of whom succumbed to his wounds.
Most of the time, however, whites are helpless victims of crime. The government has recently passed a new gun law which makes it difficult, if not impossible, to own a fire-arm. They have also abolished rural commandos of military reservists entrusted with crime-prevention in the country, without any police units replacing them. Occasionally the newspapers carry stories of crime victims successfully defending themselves against attacks, offering armed resistance. As a result of the new gun law, this will soon end and we shall simply be able to hide or flee from our assailants. Defending oneself against a marauding robber or rapist might be a manifestation of racism, and is therefore frowned upon as being a kind of "right-wing" response.
Being robbed of one's vehicle or household belongings is now considered quite normal, and often people ascribe escaping with their lives to their own astuteness, such as being friendly to the robber, helping him load the effects into a vehicle, not looking him in the face so as not to recognise him afterwards, et cetera. A friend of mine in Kempton Park kept up a reasonable conversation with the thieves emptying his house, tied up as he was with a gun pointed at him. He survived, although his elderly mother was badly roughed up and had to be hospitalised. In other instances, of course, people are not so lucky and they become just another murder statistic. Then they simply adapt and die.

*
The first draft of this article was submitted to the British Spectator, who turned it down about a year ago. I have now updated it with references to more recent incidents. Probably no mainstream newspaper in South Africa will publish it, because it refers to the race and gender of violent criminals, which is taboo here as elsewhere in the Western world. As George Orwell said, however, "during times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act".

In the mood for lists

So I started writing this somewhere around last September (05)… haha… I’ve already started on a few of these - some just happened to me!! (I’ll let you figure out which ones!)
Its funny how life changes in 16 months. (and SAD how much i still want to get done of these mundane little tasks!) You'll notice that i've also posted "THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE" in the sidebar - so that i can see them all the time. Still working on a few formatting bugs, but i figure it might be good incentive.

1. Throw my sis a good b-day party
2. Go sky diving
3. Finish hanging up posters and stuff in my room
4. Take pics of my home and church and car and make a photo collage of my life
5. Actually do my homework (instead of procrastinating and making lists…), finish off my degree
6. Clean the bathroom more often
7. Travel somewhere far away - just for the heck of it
8. Spend more time with my sister
9. Read my Bible regularly
10. Find and develop new musical tastes
11. Write to family and friends - just because
12. Pay back my parents
13. Find a good guy… actually think about dating him…
14. Move to Vancouver
15. Learn & become fluent in sign language
16. Find a job in education, love my life!
17. Figure out what I’m going to do with all the crap I have at my parent’s house!
18. Buy and fill a freezer with real meals
19. Eat real meals (aka: not peanut butter sandwiches)
20. Take more care of my appearances… buy real work clothes, wear makeup, do my hair!
21. Figure out what went wrong in a couple of friendships, and work them out.
22. Gossip less
23. Read more fiction
24. Spend more time outside
25. Organise all my photos
26. Pray more
27. Exercise more often
28. Write more hand written notes to friends and mail them letters
29. Take more time to show the friends that I really love that I really love them.
30. Relearn piano and drums
31. Memorize a beautiful poem just because
32. Learn about how my car works
33. Run a marathon (even a mini one)
34. Design a webpage
35. Learn how to play ICE hockey (pffft!)
36. Kiss a boy
37. Play outside in the rain
38. Watch thunderstorms
39. Do more back flips
40. Get a suntan
41. Worry less
42. Wear sunscreen
43. Floss
44. DANCE!
45. Get to know my parents… spend lots of time with them
46. Plan to be poor
47. Treasure my mind- value what goes in to it
48. Spend more time doing silly things that will last in my memory forever and less time doing mundane things that I won’t care about tomorrow
49. Finish this list!
50.

the winning quote of the day...

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

--General William Westmoreland

so true

"We're all informavores now, hunting down and consuming data as our ancestors once sought woolly mammoths and witchetty grubs."

Rachel Chalmers, "Surf Like A Bushman," New Scientist

So we are now in day 3 of classes. I am currently being bored to death by my computer mediated computer class. GO FIGURE. oh well. Easy credit and hopefully i'l learn something exciting sometime soon. Until then i decided to semi-zone and blog instead. The greatest thing is the people who have no idea how to even log into PAWS let alone how to zip files or anthing remotely easy. When emailing is a challenge, life loses a lot of its luster in terms of interst factor. BAH. At least i don't just have to sit here. It would be way WAY worse if he had the Blackboard ability to control my screen. EEK> Its annoying because after wasting most of the leason, he throws our hour long assignment at us in the last 20 mins. EXCELLENT.

ANYWAY - enough of that. I am glad to be back at school. There are a lot of things that i should be thinking about already - resumes, job hunts, career fairs, etc, etc... Just thinking about it is slightly alarming. But it is nice to be able to do nothing of consequence on weekends, and do my homework when i feel like it. I guess i just need to be a little more organized. (hehe!)
Definately the best thing about being back is the chance to catch up with old friends and classmates. Its really fun to compare experiences (good and bad) and see what everybody's been up too. Its been 8 months since i've seen most so there's a lot of catching up to do.

Its been a yucky winter so far. driving out to Rosthern was pretty brutal for much of November, but it let up nicely for Christmas. We had another snowfal again this last week, but apart from the death defying experience of walking to work, its not too bad out right now.

EEK - he's started to talk about something vaguely important, so i should go...

later!
C

honey, i'm hoooooome!

YIPEE! I'm officially back! Christmas'ed, New Years'ed, house-sitted, and ready to face the mass (and mess) of stuff that i brought back from Rosthern. Hard to believe that these holidays have flown by and school starts in 2 days! Eek!
I am excited at the same time, but it seems wierd to be considering my life as a student again. Oh well.

anyway - i'm going to go enjoy my last couple days of freedom!!

peace out.