Sunday, October 17, 2004

It WAS a fad

well yes, we all knew this day would come when it would become a fad to kill off your blog and move into the next technological blizzard.

Hmm, really wish i remembered what i wanted to blog about.. oh well.

On a slightly more theological note, i was thinking how easily we get ourselves into trouble. Take David for instance. He screwed up (and screwed Bathsheba) causing disasterous results for her husband, social standing and life in general (i mean she had to marry the guy, live with his multiple other wives and continue sleeping with him after her husband's just been killed). So he makes this one mistake of sleeping with her and then he has to fix it, getting deeper and deeper into trouble and feeling cornered. Sucks cos it seems like such an easy trap to fall into.
The other thing i was thinking of, since it relates directly to David's affair with Bathsheba, is Psalm 51.. where he talks 'bout being washed as white as snow... and linking that with phil's msn sign in - snow covers all imperfections. We ask for forgiveness and not only does it get covered up.. we get to start all over again! Imagine the possibilities. What a graceful God.

Last thought of the night - shouldn't assume i understand kids, they always surprise me.

Last last thought - Friends make life worthwhile. TBT (to be treasured)

into the night i go...
car

Friday, October 15, 2004

Dutch courage...

its interesting to me to see how awkward life gets... somehow it just creeps up on you, until one day you can't figure out what went irrevocably wrong. i hate how strange real life is somedays. Take camp people for instance. We have lived together, worked together, argued with each other, played pranks on each other, ignored each other, gossiped, teased, learnt new stuff, faced old fears and grown together.... but when we see each other in the shopping mall, all we can do is say "wazzup" and look desperately for some sort of escape. I think somehow its all related to Matt & Lisa's little debate about honesty in blogging. I agree with Lisa that nobody wants to expose the real and sometimes ugly side of our personality... its just human nature to want everybody to think the best of us, but what starts to make us anxious is the people that have discovered who the "real me" is... makes me really vulnerable, very nervous and completely unable to figure out how to deal with those people in real life. I figure friendships and relationships are much the same. You go along your merry way, assured of friendships that are so great that you don’t have to even think about how you got there or where you’re going, then one day you find that you are too nervous to even msn the person cos you don’t know where they’re coming from or why everything is so weird.

SO… my new resolution: honest, adult conversation.

Easier said than done from somebody who is completely terrified of emotion. (I’ll admit it!) I can deal with anybody else’s feelings pretty well, but (like every other human being I suppose) I really don’t like to put it all out there. Mostly, I think I’m afraid people will be bored or simply not care about my petty issues. Or i assume that i'm reading more into a situation than the other person even cares about. But no more pussy footing around. One honest conversation was enough to convince me that its completely worth the awkwardness. To think I was risking a close friend on my lack of self confidence.

Well, that’s me, over and out. Hope I don’t make too many people completely uncomfortable with the deep conversations I am about to embark upon.
Wish me luck
~ cat

Saturday, October 09, 2004

bohemian feminist... truth, love and freedom

hmmm, just got an interesting email link to a feminist article (http://www.boundless.org/regulars/kaufman/a0000947.html)and i thought that i should at least respond to it as someone who always responds to sexist coments is compelled to do...: i agree fully.

Seriously, i would not consider myself anything less than a feminist in that i expect equal opportunities to be given to men and women of the same calibre. I do however feel strongly about the issue of ability. Women and Men are created differently with different thought patterns, emotions and physicality. Nobody in their right minds would contest that point i don't think. This means that women and men are able to do different things better.... ie: should women be firefighters and police(wo)men? DEFINATELY. IF they are able to do the job as well as their male counterparts. Seriously... how would you feel trapped in a burning building if the female firefighter couldn't do anything her male partners could do because she simply doesn't have the physical strength??? I think i would be pretty disapointed as my house fell in around me and my hair caught on fire. Its like saying to a preschool teacher that they should design and build a bridge, simply because they are interested in civil engineering and have vast experience with Lego. Of course, they have the choice and possibly the ability, but i would like them to be able to prove themselves in a civil engineering exam before i drive over their bridge, adn if they can't pass the exam, i don't want them in that position. its not discriminatory... its common sense!

The whole thing with being created differently leads to different desires and expectations from life. Most people of both genders expect to someday be married/ find a partner with whom to share their lives, and most plan homes and jobs and kids with that. Biologically women are obviously given the choice to reproduce, and even though it sometimes comes at the sacrifice of career or other things in life, pregnancy in itself is a choice.
SO we continue to throw around the catch phrase of the century "CHOICE". it really is a foundation of feminism, and as Matt Kaufman points out - choice means the opportunity to do one of many options. Feminists knock stay-at-home moms for not getting out there to work.... maybe they haven't considered that what Susan B Anthony, Emily Murphy and co were fighting for wasn't to go out and work or go and take over politics or anything like that, but simply to be equals in society. They were really fighting for abolition and temperance and the right to vote, along with other social issues that were affecting women's opportunities to live in equality with men. I mean it was a big deal when Emily Murphy won the battle in 1929,to have England’s Privy Council declared that the term ‘person’ must include women. In my postfeminist view on the world i expect that women and men be given the same chance to opportunities, and may the best qualified and suitable person win. Women do have the chance to get out there and work if they want to, but they are also given the most wonderful opportunity to stay at home with their kids. Now, i'm not advocating for or agianst stay at home moms - i definately want my career to make a difference in the world... but i do think that we're privileged in our society to have the option to stay home if we want it. A year of mat leave? For either parent? REVOLUTIONARY CHOICE FOR BOTH GENDERS! The only difference is that the woman usually gets to use that time to be with her child while her partner has to get out there and make the cash. Who said life was fair? Pain of childbirth vs never being able to give birth yourself? I don't know, pretty powerful. It must feel like you're being excluded from a private mother-child party some days as a dad.

As for not contributing to society... i'm 100% with kaufman on this one... isn't raising children a vital contribution to society? Children will learn what they are taught, and if they're taught that their parent chose to stay at home with them, even at financial loss to her/himself, is that not the most powerful lesson on CHOICE and freedom and love?

Going back to my origional and somewhat sidetracked point about God creating women and men differently, is that God has given women the instict to want to concieve, give birth and create a home for her children, and he has given men the instinct to want to provide for his family. This doesn't mean that they are confining roles - i know some stay at home dads who have raised incredible children and who have seized the opportunity while their wives have chosen to go to work. Either way though, both parents have made the choice, and just as in the work place - may the best parent "win" the chance to be at work or with their kids.

i have so much more to say and think about this topic, but i need to sleep and consider some more. Maybe tomorrow will bring some new insight.

For now... dreamland awaits.


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Randomness and conclusions

i'm glad i put the "i don't think i'm going to be a very consistant blogger" disclaimer in my first blog... its 4 months to the day since my last entry, and i was seriously considering letting this site die completely. HOWEVER, i still like the idea of putting random ideas out there in cyber space, whether or not anybody reads them is kinda irrelevant. But, i am determined to not let this become a "i did this today" type journal entry, which it looked like it was going to become when i got bored of it in the first place. SO LET THE RANDOMNESS BEGIN...
Just got home from camp today, (again) and realized that i do not spend enough time with myself. That seems like a completly mundane observation, but really, there is nothing like 10 days of introspection to drive you to thte point of having to actually get to know yourself. In some ways i feel like i have no real personality... i just check in with the rest of society every now and again and adjust my opinion accordingly... not that i always agree, but i never seem to feel strongly about anything originally. I don't know if that's a bad thing (does somebody want to let me know so i can build my world view around them?), actually i think its really just a symptom of not caring. REALLY tho', back to my point about not knowing yourself, i think its completely possible to avoid understanding who we really are, and what makes up our likes, dislikes and interests. Camp at the best of times can be quite lonely, even with 130 other people running around, but being up there for 10 days with 3 fairly introverted people for company really showed me that i don't really like spending time in my own company. (proof: I watched Moulin Rouge 5 times in 4 days. I mean its good, but...?) I think its why i keep myself perpetually busy with friends and school and church and everything else i get involved in. I move so fast from thing to thing i hardly spend time savouring each moment.

Conclusion to this journey of self discovery:
I like musicals that i can sing loudly to.
I like to escape to somebody else's reality and escape my own mind.
I want to have some sort of fairy tale romance and marry prince charming "come what may".
I don't like broccoli.
I kinda like cooking, esp when somebody else is in charge.
I like puzzles.
I love sunrises and i like taking pictures of them, even tho' i suck at photography.
I like photography.
I like washing dishes, hot water and soap all the way.
Lonely people don't really care if they know you at all before they tell you their sad stories, and mostly they don't really care if you think anything about their situation. They just need to talk. Old people have facinating lives and stories.
I am not patient.
I am scared of bears and cougars.
I have a very sad life which revolves alot around my computer.... recieving 56 new emails and only 1 phone call should indicate something.
Perfectionists annoy me. People who do half ass jobs annoy me.
I am bad at dealing with finances.
I don't like responsibility, but i can't stop people giving it to me.
I hate making major life decisions and watch movies (or anything really) instead of thinking.
I really like talking afternoon naps in the sunshine.
Appearances don't really matter when it comes to love. They are a good interest factor, but i really don't care.
Friends are precious and should be cherished. (that means dedicating 100% to them when i'm with them, not trying to be everything to everybody).
I can't be everything to everybody.
The world will continue really well without me.
My friends like me for who i am, not what i can do for them.
The ones who care want to know all the small details of mundane life.
Friendship is often a very onesided thing and figuring out that you know every detail of somebody's life and that they hardly notice when you're around (or not) is pretty depressing.
Major revelation: if i give up on friendships they will die, and the other person will honestly not be able to fix it because it is all in my head!
I like to play outside and run around, but i like to be a lazy couch potatoe too.
Making life timelines is a silly idea. I want to live life to the full and experience it all. Carpe Diem.
I want to marry my best friend.
I don't care if i date one guy or a thousand before i get married.
i want to have children, but definately not for a long while.
I am a people pleaser and suck at saying no to things.
I suck at loving God. I am really self centered and will do just about anything to avoid contemplating my own mortal fallibility and STUPIDITY! Especially in relation to His perfect wisdom and knowledge.
I do many unexplainable stupid things. It's a mystery even to myself.
I am competitive and have to compete with myself to keep me motivated. Good thing about the stupidity. I can convince me to do just about anything.

Pretty conclusive thinking for somebody who doesn't like to think about anything real in my head.

Well, enough with that for now, more to follow if i feel the need for more self definition. Thank you God for your "special" plan of unemployment. Guess i'm getting the time i need to evaluate where i'm going in life...

- car