Randomness and conclusions

i'm glad i put the "i don't think i'm going to be a very consistant blogger" disclaimer in my first blog... its 4 months to the day since my last entry, and i was seriously considering letting this site die completely. HOWEVER, i still like the idea of putting random ideas out there in cyber space, whether or not anybody reads them is kinda irrelevant. But, i am determined to not let this become a "i did this today" type journal entry, which it looked like it was going to become when i got bored of it in the first place. SO LET THE RANDOMNESS BEGIN...
Just got home from camp today, (again) and realized that i do not spend enough time with myself. That seems like a completly mundane observation, but really, there is nothing like 10 days of introspection to drive you to thte point of having to actually get to know yourself. In some ways i feel like i have no real personality... i just check in with the rest of society every now and again and adjust my opinion accordingly... not that i always agree, but i never seem to feel strongly about anything originally. I don't know if that's a bad thing (does somebody want to let me know so i can build my world view around them?), actually i think its really just a symptom of not caring. REALLY tho', back to my point about not knowing yourself, i think its completely possible to avoid understanding who we really are, and what makes up our likes, dislikes and interests. Camp at the best of times can be quite lonely, even with 130 other people running around, but being up there for 10 days with 3 fairly introverted people for company really showed me that i don't really like spending time in my own company. (proof: I watched Moulin Rouge 5 times in 4 days. I mean its good, but...?) I think its why i keep myself perpetually busy with friends and school and church and everything else i get involved in. I move so fast from thing to thing i hardly spend time savouring each moment.

Conclusion to this journey of self discovery:
I like musicals that i can sing loudly to.
I like to escape to somebody else's reality and escape my own mind.
I want to have some sort of fairy tale romance and marry prince charming "come what may".
I don't like broccoli.
I kinda like cooking, esp when somebody else is in charge.
I like puzzles.
I love sunrises and i like taking pictures of them, even tho' i suck at photography.
I like photography.
I like washing dishes, hot water and soap all the way.
Lonely people don't really care if they know you at all before they tell you their sad stories, and mostly they don't really care if you think anything about their situation. They just need to talk. Old people have facinating lives and stories.
I am not patient.
I am scared of bears and cougars.
I have a very sad life which revolves alot around my computer.... recieving 56 new emails and only 1 phone call should indicate something.
Perfectionists annoy me. People who do half ass jobs annoy me.
I am bad at dealing with finances.
I don't like responsibility, but i can't stop people giving it to me.
I hate making major life decisions and watch movies (or anything really) instead of thinking.
I really like talking afternoon naps in the sunshine.
Appearances don't really matter when it comes to love. They are a good interest factor, but i really don't care.
Friends are precious and should be cherished. (that means dedicating 100% to them when i'm with them, not trying to be everything to everybody).
I can't be everything to everybody.
The world will continue really well without me.
My friends like me for who i am, not what i can do for them.
The ones who care want to know all the small details of mundane life.
Friendship is often a very onesided thing and figuring out that you know every detail of somebody's life and that they hardly notice when you're around (or not) is pretty depressing.
Major revelation: if i give up on friendships they will die, and the other person will honestly not be able to fix it because it is all in my head!
I like to play outside and run around, but i like to be a lazy couch potatoe too.
Making life timelines is a silly idea. I want to live life to the full and experience it all. Carpe Diem.
I want to marry my best friend.
I don't care if i date one guy or a thousand before i get married.
i want to have children, but definately not for a long while.
I am a people pleaser and suck at saying no to things.
I suck at loving God. I am really self centered and will do just about anything to avoid contemplating my own mortal fallibility and STUPIDITY! Especially in relation to His perfect wisdom and knowledge.
I do many unexplainable stupid things. It's a mystery even to myself.
I am competitive and have to compete with myself to keep me motivated. Good thing about the stupidity. I can convince me to do just about anything.

Pretty conclusive thinking for somebody who doesn't like to think about anything real in my head.

Well, enough with that for now, more to follow if i feel the need for more self definition. Thank you God for your "special" plan of unemployment. Guess i'm getting the time i need to evaluate where i'm going in life...

- car