Dutch courage...

its interesting to me to see how awkward life gets... somehow it just creeps up on you, until one day you can't figure out what went irrevocably wrong. i hate how strange real life is somedays. Take camp people for instance. We have lived together, worked together, argued with each other, played pranks on each other, ignored each other, gossiped, teased, learnt new stuff, faced old fears and grown together.... but when we see each other in the shopping mall, all we can do is say "wazzup" and look desperately for some sort of escape. I think somehow its all related to Matt & Lisa's little debate about honesty in blogging. I agree with Lisa that nobody wants to expose the real and sometimes ugly side of our personality... its just human nature to want everybody to think the best of us, but what starts to make us anxious is the people that have discovered who the "real me" is... makes me really vulnerable, very nervous and completely unable to figure out how to deal with those people in real life. I figure friendships and relationships are much the same. You go along your merry way, assured of friendships that are so great that you don’t have to even think about how you got there or where you’re going, then one day you find that you are too nervous to even msn the person cos you don’t know where they’re coming from or why everything is so weird.

SO… my new resolution: honest, adult conversation.

Easier said than done from somebody who is completely terrified of emotion. (I’ll admit it!) I can deal with anybody else’s feelings pretty well, but (like every other human being I suppose) I really don’t like to put it all out there. Mostly, I think I’m afraid people will be bored or simply not care about my petty issues. Or i assume that i'm reading more into a situation than the other person even cares about. But no more pussy footing around. One honest conversation was enough to convince me that its completely worth the awkwardness. To think I was risking a close friend on my lack of self confidence.

Well, that’s me, over and out. Hope I don’t make too many people completely uncomfortable with the deep conversations I am about to embark upon.
Wish me luck
~ cat