Sunday, November 28, 2004

i'm a freak

literally.
i'm so tired that i could puke, yet i write another blog instead of going to bed. Man, this never sleeping thing is starting to kick me in the head.

anyhow, this is for all my buddies who are feeling inescapably like this: what do you do when you really just don't have time to sleep in favour of papers, articles, debates and presentations??? I hope you're not crazy... and even though you're measuring out your life in coffee spoons, just think of the three glorious weeks ahead.

merry christmas.

~ Carie


" Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume? "

- (extract) The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock.
TS ELLIOT

Saturday, November 27, 2004

At the end of the day

SO i was blown away this afternoon by grace. I have to admit, that in some small way i'm actually getting sick of the concept of grace. Not the practical effects of grace of course... i mean who can have something done for them at great sacrifice but at no cost and reject it coldly? I can i guess. In my humble oppinion, sacrifice is a very abstract concept for us as fortunate people. I know very little about sacrificing EVERYTHING for somebody else, hell - i know very little about sacrificing ANYTHING for somebody else. Realistically - my $25 shoe box for some little kid in africa somewhere really didn't hurt me that much. And honestly, i felt really good after doing it, so who really benifitted? But beyond all that, the concept of grace is something that we talk about all the time in church, and i can understand the meaning of it, and see Christ's sacrifice as pure grace, but i guess sometimes i need pictures to remind me and smash it into my heart and head.
I went to see Les Miz with my mom this afternoon, and once again saw the picture of grace and the possibility of limitless grace. If you don't know the story, Jean Valjean is a prisoner who finally recieves his parole and is taken in for the night by a bishop who feels sorry for the starving man. In return Jean Valjean steals some of the bishop's silver and runs away, only to be caught by the police:


VALJEAN ARRESTED, VALJEAN FORGIVEN


CONSTABLE ONE
Tell his reverence your story

CONSTABLE TWO
Let us see if he's impressed

CONSTABLE ONE
You were lodging here last night

CONSTABLE TWO
You were the honest Bishop's guest.

CONSTABLE ONE
And then, out of Christian goodness

CONSTABLE TWO
When he learned about your plight

CONSTABLE ONE
You maintain he made a present of this silver.

BISHOP
That is right.
But my friend you left so early
Surely something slipped your mind

(The bishop gives Valjean two silver candlesticks)

You forgot I gave these also
Would you leave the best behind?
So, Messieurs, you may release him
For this man has spoken true
I commend you for your duty
And God's blessing go with you.

(Constables leave. The bishop addresses Valjean)

But remember this, my brother
See in this some higher plan
You must use this precious silver
To become an honest man
By the witness of the martyrs
By the Passion and the Blood
God has raised you out of darkness
I have bought your soul for God!

WHAT HAVE I DONE (VALJEAN'S SOLILOQUY)

VALJEAN
What have I done?
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?
Become a thief in the night,
Become a dog on the run
And have I fallen so far,
And is the hour so late
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,
The cries in the dark that nobody hears,
Here where I stand at the turning of the years?

If there's another way to go
I missed it twenty long years ago
My life was a war that could never be won
They gave me a number and murdered Valjean
When they chained me and left me for dead
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread

Yet why did I allow that man
To touch my soul and teach me love?
He treated me like any other
He gave me his trust
He called me brother
My life he claims for God above
Can such things be?
For I had come to hate the world
This world that always hated me

Take an eye for an eye!
Turn your heart into stone!
This is all I have lived for!
This is all I have known!

One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul,
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
And I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!



As he makes a life for himself, he uses the silver to become a factory owner and the mayor of his town, and becomes willing to sacrifice his life in saving an innocent man, taking care of an orphan girl and later in laying down his life for the man she loves. Grace is such an unlimited gift and does not stop with one person but has the potential to affect countless others.
Ironically, not 15 minutes later, as i was driving home in the car with my mom, i was complaining to her about something somebody wants me to do - make friends with a girl i don't know and make her feel welcome and part of the church and christ's body. I was telling my mom about how inconvenient it is, how little time i have and how i'm happy with my friends and can barely keep up with them as it is, and then i started to think about the irony of my tears in the scene above. I (who hardly ever cries) was crying through this play as i witnessed what grace means, but yet i'm hardly willing to extend it to somebody else who requires a far lesser "sacrifice" (if you can even call it that) from me.

I guess this all sort of ties in with what Lynda (from the bridge) and Serge LeClerk from Prairie Hope were saying on Thursday night: people don't really care about what you have, but love and time make all the difference.

ANYHOO
enough sentimentality from me for one evening i think.


last word from "the poor:"

At the end of the day you're another day older
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor
It's a struggle, it's a war
And there's nothing that anyone's giving
One more day standing about, what is it for?
One day less to be living.

At the end of the day you're another day colder
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill
And the righteous hurry past
They don't hear the little ones crying

And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill
One day nearer to dying!

At the end of the day there's another day dawning
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise
Like the waves crash on the sand
Like a storm that'll break any second
There's a hunger in the land
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and
There's gonna be hell to pay

At the end of the day!



love,
car


Monday, November 22, 2004

i have no deep thoughts.... blah...

so 3rf's for the day:

- my favourite gem stone is a saphire... they're incredibly beautiful and brilliant.
- at core i'm a punk rocker. I like most musical genres, but really i'm a big fan of punk and *cough* techno. (shhhh... don't tell)
- my favourite sandwich is avocado on brown bread with pepper and salt. (hey - don't knock it until you try it.... yummy.)


i thought maybe i'd be inspired to great thoughts by my 3rf's, but 'fraid not. meh. bed sounds like an equally good idea ;)


"SLEEP"

looking straight at the light
it never used to be that bright last night
but it's a new day with fuzz in my eyes
alarm is still ringing when I open the blinds
how do these people do it
they are like driving around like there's nothing to it
I imagine it's like the medication their on
or probably just the coffee but
one thing is certain in life
and that is that today I'm going to eat cereal
I mean come on let's get our priorities straight
but before I know it I'm out the door late
just trying to catch some rat or some race
or something I'm not quite sure what it is
so for now I just best keep moving

and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

{chorus}:sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired

they call it commuting
but I think they should call it intravenous
cause it's what I need every time I get
stuck behind a truck, just trying to turn left
just trying to turn left, why are you trying to turn left
why don't you park your silly cube van
hop in I'll drop you off
cause at this rate we'll both be late
but I'd rather be late than sitting here doing nothing

and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

{bridge}:sleep go on and sleep some more
sleep go on and sleep some more


RILEY ARMSTRONG (self titled album.)

THANKS RILEY... honestly couldn't have put it any better myself.


peace,


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

3 random quick facts

3 random facts for the day:

- my neck cracks in a very scary way (and pretty loudly too). For that matter so do other joints, and my stomach talks loudly when its quiet in the room. Maybe i'm just a noisy person.

- i like sleeping under about 5 duvets, all tightly tucked into the bed... gets reduced to 2 duvets in summer.

- i get to go see "finding neverland" tonight... let you know what i think later (but honestly... how badly can you do with johnny depp?)

if you're bored tonight, there is something called "disrobed" at the Odeon... its the greystone singers fundraiser night (kinda like a talent show.) It rocked last year, so i'd recomend it. 8pm, $5 i think.

but... late for work, so must run.
ciao

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

living life (or is life living me??? )

ANNA AND EVEN ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!! That's the huge news for the week! I'm so excited for them.... but it feels like i'm suddenly in a group of almost-adults... WEIRD! (no offense anybody!) but its strange when people are moving on with life.

i realized today that we're all just big pretenders, but for the most part we're all pretty ok with that. I was playing with one of the little girls at McNab, and she was "feeding" me her playdough cookies. I pretended to eat one, and she asked if i liked it, and when i told her i did, and asked for another one, she asked me to return the first one to the plate... it's kinda funny how aware we can be of the games we play (even at 6 years old) and still get completely lost in the fantasy. I like life that way i think! I sort of feel sad that i can't completely lose myself in playing games like i did 10 years ago... remember when you could play barbie or my-little- pony for like 3 hours without getting bored? But going back to my earlier point of getting lost in fantasy, i think we get better at self-delusion as we get older, even tho' we forget how to just be in the moment.
For instance: i decided that i would like working at A&W again, and for the most part, i'm doing pretty well at it. Then you get days like today when the delusion bubble pops. Anything that could possibly spill, break, make a mess, fall apart or otherwise just not do what it was meant to do did it today. Then some stupid IDIOT boy/man/IDIOT crapped all over the men's room. NOT a good way to start the day. At this point i came to the conclusion that i hate my life and i want to go bury myself in a blanket burrow in my bed and not come out for like 3 weeks. And just when you think life can't get any worse, suddenly salvation arrives in the form of some little kid who can't go home until they've hugged you goodbye, or a friend who just opens their arms and hugs you without even saying a word (thanks phil). i guess God understands me a little better than i assume some days. And at least they end at bed time.

But my brain has just stalled, and i might fall asleep on my keyboard if i don't get to bed right now. so: Carpe diem. Its all you can do really.

in his grip,
car

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

A south african childhood

WOW... an almost comprehensive list of my childhood! it's long winded, but wow, the memories.

>>REMEMBER
Before the Internet or the Credit card and overdraft facility...
Before Aids, affirmative action, hi- jacking. Before pregnancy scares and regrettable one-night stands and cane and coke!...

Way back....
I'm talking about the time of Hide and go Seek in the garden or farm yard...or in the dark. The local cafe in town to spend your 50c pocket money after church while you old man was buying the Sunday Times.
Remember Rounders, Clay lyts, catches, touch rugby with a coke bottle (2L with removable black bottom used for flower pots at school) or leather super springbok (if you were really lucky!) for hours on a Saturdy afternoon while your folks played tennis at the club. Garden Cricket with a plastic garden chair as wickets, games normally ending in a wrestling match after a dispute over a run out - remember different runs allocated to different parts of the garden, six and out and breaking at least one window a season.

Beetle bailey, Sharki and Tom and Jerry while you ate your breakfast before school , Images (and the tunes) of "Tick-tock Time", "Willie Walie","Rupert", "LieweHeksie", "The Gummy Bears", "Pumpkin Patch" and "Bennie Boekwurm" still float through your mind.

Out door entertainment took the form of: Jumping the river, living on the beach or in the pool building a swing from a piece of rope tied to a tree (falling off the swing trying to impress your mates!), sliding down the banks on boxes, form little gangs, tennis on the street or swing ball in the backyard.
You had to beg your parents to let you stay up to watch "Dallas", WKRP", "Magnum PI", Family Ties", "Three's Company" and "Who's the Boss" at 8:30pm.

You went to the movies/drive-in to watch "Pretty Woman","Back to the Future" series,"Police Academy","Star Wars","Grease","The God's Must Be Crazy","ET","Rocky III", "Superman","Beverly Hills Cop","Ghostbusters","Top Gun" "Dirty Dancing" and "Jaws".
You owned either a Rubik's Cube, BMX, Donky Kong Game, luminous socks, walkman, Ken doll, Matchboxcars (esp."HotWheels") or a Cabbage-Patch Kid.

The smell of suntan lotion, hot tar and Oros. Wicks bubble gum and chappies for a cent. An ice cream cone from the kombi that plays a tune.

Wait... can you still remember...

Marble season ( goenes, arlies, glasses, moon rocks, spiders,Chinese checkers, ironies ( which ended up chipping many an unsuspecting crab goen), ( hollie ( eye drops, pillie drops, ect), pillie (pile-ons), yoyo season ( fanta , sprite and coke yoyo's or those one with the flashing lights)
Top season ( not as popular, as the above but crept in from time to time)

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere, and your old lady made you "dress up" for the trip.
A million mozzie bites and peeling skin in summer. Sticky fingers and sand in and on everything. Cops and Robbers, Stingers, kissing catchers ( and actually being petrified of being caught by the cute boy in your class) Truth, dare and command - for that matter! foefie slides & climbing trees.
Walking or riding your bike to school - no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Jumping on the bed..... Pillow fights and midnight feasts (which where always not as cool as you expected them to be!).
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down. Getting ichy from lying on the grass in the garden,or from the ticks you picked up herding cattle in the veld!

Being tired from playing...
Remember that...
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Paper water bombs and clay "layts" were the ultimate weapon.
A piece of card in the spokes held by a clothes peg transformed any bicycle into a motorcycle. And for the spoilt kids those coloured boggles which where attached to each spoke and made a lekker sound!
Talking about boggles who remembers those boggles the tennis players used to keep
their laces tied, what ever happen to that ingenious invention!

I'm not finished just yet...
Can you still taste and smell eating jelly powder from the box, ice lollies made from cold drink in Tupperware holders in the freezer.Or jumbo lollies in there plastic sachets, green and yellow were sour! Making sherbet from sugar and ENOS and boiling tins of condensed milk to make caramel - took hours! No camping trip was complete without a tin of condensed milk regardless of whether that camping trip was in your back garden or down at the river.
Marshmallow fish and mice, the more stale they where the better!

Remember when...
There were two types of takkies - Tommies and the canvas ones, and the only time you wore them at school, was for "PT". Or if you went to a farm school ever PT was done bare foot!
Getting into trouble because you were missing a few buttons or torn you school shirt during a tight game of rugby during little break! Normally English vs Afrikaaners - we reinacted the boer war every break during the winter months!
Your mom or aunt
made all your clothes, luminous kit was the heat, brighter the better although because your folks were still stuck in the fashion of the early seventies ended up wearing plenty of brown and earth colours!
50 cents was decent pocket money - bought you a pack of fire balls or jaw breakers and a stick of wicks or a box of smarties or nougat or you could get a lucky packet with the pink sweets!.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 5 cents and feel lucky.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
Remember when it was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or nose, or make 10 cents appear from behind your ear. When you could make your
nose krick with a thumb nail strategically hooked under your front teeth and
watching your younger boet also break his nose trying to imitate you!
When it was considered a great privilege and very unusual to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant or in a proper hotel. Mikes Kitchen if you happened to be in town over your birthday!
Remember the spare ribs and badges (clowns, airplanes ect).
Remember when any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the head master's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving child at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of muggings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat....and some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Didn't that feel good.....just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny- miney-mo."
you could get out of doing crappy jobs if you were quick with"Nix!"
"A race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money was handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a BIC pen pea shooter or a "cattie".
Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Skills and courage were discovered because of a "dare".
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! (most likely in South Africa.)

Have a lekker day!
Carie

Sunday, November 07, 2004

making waves

So i figured out tonight what i would like to do with my life in an ideal world. I would love to worship with kids. Don't think i'm just being modest when i say that i am by no means any kind of a musician.... really, my major ability in the musical field is strictly volume! But leading kids into the presence of God through music is one of the most inspiring and exciting things that i know how to do. Not in the "oh yay, look at them do the actions" kind of way, but the truly "focused on who God is" way that kids seem to have so naturally. It's incredible to me.

To completely change direction here... following up on my post from yesterday (well technically this morning, but it was before i slept, so it still counts as yesterday), i see part of my role in life as constantly teaching and changing people's world views and experiences. (it really is fun - and i know you know what i mean, any of you who has tried to convince me to say "ice" or "zebra"). Anyway, i deviate. I introduced my bible study group to some south african foods, among them butternut squash. Today one of them made butternut soup! YAY. i will make a splash in the world. (even if it is just a drip). i hope i can make that kind of splash in letting people see Christ in my life.

~ carie

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time." ~ TS ELLIOT

RANDOMNESS CONTINUED

Inspired by Batgirl, here are my 3 random facts of the day (or 3RF if you will):

> I am sort of afraid of heights (in a my-knees-feel-kinda-like-they-don't-want-to-hold-me way) but bungy jumping was one of the best experiences of my life.

> my favourite colour is purple

> i hardly ever listen to the lyrics of a song until after i've fallen in love with the music


I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED SEEING TREE 63 IN CONCERT IN SASKATOON. i'm not even sure how much i like them (i mean i like "Joy" - as you know if you've ever done kids stuff with me, and "blessed be your name") but they had one stop in Canada and that was in "Kaskatoon,SA" tonight!!! They are from Durban, which, if you know your SA geography (as you should) is only 40 mins away from Pietermaritzburg. i feel that i have let down my countrymen. Oh well. maybe i'll have to start figuring out whether or not i like their music.

HOWEVER, i did have a really fun evening. I went to the benifit concert for the Bridge, and came to the interesting realization that my heart and interests are changing. Even as short a time as about 3 weeks ago, i really didn't understand people with a different economic and social way of life (especially the destitute/drug or alcohol addicts)and frankly didn't bother trying. But i found tonight that i genuinely do care. I guess God is still subtly changing my heart and the way i think about people thru the situations he's putting me in.

I think life is about constantly learning, growing and changing... but this makes me somewhat fickle in my passions. Take drums for instance. I really love playing the drums, but i think what i like even more than playing them is knowing how. There are many things out there that i do, just because i want to know how, and less because i even want to do it. Learning HTML or how to sew or drink beer or dance... the list goes on. Its weirdly like i'm competing with myself to be the best, most well rounded and informed person possible, even though its completely meaningless to anybody else. Having said that, i learnt 2 new, enjoyable things today. Mikos was teaching me to play chess, and did a good job in my opinion. I know he could have kicked my butt in just a couple of moves, but he made me feel like i was fairly intelligent and inspired me to want to figure out chess so that i can be good the next time. The second thing was learning to play guitar with Jordan. I have this remotely dread feeling that i'll never really be any good at guitar, but it seems like a valuable life skill, and i want to be one of those people who can just pick up a guitar and play, whatever my mood. (kind of like running - i really wish that i didn't only have 2 speeds [running and walking]... movies where people get out all their tension by going jogging always inspire me-- [temporarily]).

To think that my original intent was to end each blog with a quote.... (oops). But this one kinda fits i think. (i love TS Elliot. He was a genius). This one is from "The love song of J Alfred Prufrock" L24-34)

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea. "

well, i guess if i want to be a decent human being at 10, i should get some sleep.
so, in the (unfortunate) word of Mike... "checkmate"

and goodnight.

Friday, November 05, 2004

signs of the times...

I got this forward from a friend in south africa who i hardly ever keep in touch with... guess life's just as crazy no matter what side of the hemisphere you're living in.

You know you're living in 2004 when... ..

1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3 You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of four

4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an outside line.

8 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10 You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news .

11 Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND..............

13 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14 As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15 You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16 You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

18 AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

WOW... recognize yourself???????

i'm just scribbling this quickly between work and work... i don't know what's up this weekend... benifit concert for the Bridge @ Emmanuel promises to be excellent. ALSO on Sat Nov. 6,from 8pm-12am: If you like to listen/dance to the big band music of the 30s and 40s, then you should come to the Big Band Dance. The U of S Jazz Bands will be providing the music; D'reers will be catering and there will be a cash bar. Its at the Manhattan Ballroom (10 minutes outside of the city heading east on College Drive). Tickets are $12 for students and $15 for adults. You can buy them at St. John's Music, McNally-Robinson, Presto Musique or the Department of Music office.


anyways, got to get to work
shalom,
Car

Passion (less?)

I realized once again tonight what a wuss I am when it comes to being truly passionate about life and God. Its really scary a lot of the time. Beth (the genius that we ALL know she is) was leading worship, and was focussing on the idea of being passionate about God. I hate that its so easy to fall into the groove of meaningless singing and raising hands or clapping, just 'cus its what you're supposed to do in that moment. Music is such an expressive way to enter God's presence, but one I take for granted all the time. "heart of worship" is kind of cheesy really, but what I want to make worship times into for myself...

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless your heart

i bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it
when it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much you deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is yours
every single breath

WOW > every breath... easier said than done me thinks, especially when i'm too chicken to even mention God under the list of things i'm "into". Pray for opportunities and bravery i guess.

I should get some sleep, but a quick theological conundrum from one of my 8 year olds: (this is their idea, not mine - I take no responsibility here.)
If God and the Devil are brothers ("obvious" fact) and both are very powerful, how do we know who would win? Also, apparently the devil is roaming the streets of Saskatoon - he's been seen by the above mentioned 8 yr old. i couldn't get a description for the "have you seen this being sign" tho'. In my opinion, there are prob many devils wandering 'toon town. Scary.
What cuties they are... i can't believe I’ve been given the opportunity to just hang with them and love them for a whole year! Today we were playing at the Travelodge water slides :) GOOD TIMES! we only almost drowned 1 of them, and got almost all of the going down the slides all by themselves! Thank you God for a home with glass windows, a winter jacket, food in the fridge and at least 1 car in my yard. it is no exageration to say that I am heaped with unwarranted blessings. Hopefully i'll have a site up pretty soon, and then you can look at pictures of them from Halloween!

gratefully almost asleep (not quite dead... yet... we'll see at 5am)
~car

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

SO it lives again. For the most part, I haven't given out my blog address to anybody, and really just used it as some sort of a journal to keep myself occupied and my brain still working, but it seems that it has been birthed into the public eye.
It occurred to me today that i have to stop caring so much about other people's opinions. (I know that it is a pretty standard and even stupid realization... but somtimes these things have to be fully absorbed.) I fully embrace my failings where it comes to being a people pleaser (and thus, pretty much a push over), but it doesn't mean that i should adjust everything i think or feel just because it doesn't line up with popular public opinion, even of people that i really respect. For instance: today somebody at work asked me if i would be in management. Now, granted working a minimum wage job at a fast food restaurant is not the most glorious or life-changing of careers, but i responded, without really even pausing to reflect (what's new... I’m still trying to extract one foot before i put the next one in) "no... I kinda like where I’m at". For SURE, I do NOT want to spend my whole life working at A&W, but i can say with perfect sincerity that I really don't hate it or even really dislike it. Even though i start work at 6am (bah... 6 hours of sleeping time left... i better hurry up) I get to be my own boss for 4 hours, and pretty much get to be responsible without every problem in the restaurant being mine. I also don't have to work in the kitchen and I get a regular shift, which allows me to live the rest of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better set up... 6 - 2pm means i get to work at McNab and impact those kids while still being busy every night doing what i want to do. Really, all i can say is "thank you God".... there is no question of his goodness (even tho' I’m SO TIRED I can barely keep my eyes open). So do i care that i'm going to be working min. wage at the counter at A&W for the next 8 months? Not really. Even tho' it makes me feel like a loser to tell people what i do, i don't care whether or not they concur.

In other news.... I failed out of clown school today. Well, sorta. I didn't go to the first class, so I didn't get one of the cool little certificates with the bubbles and smiley face stickers. :( Who fails out of clown school? On the plus side, somehow I never paid for it either. SO it seems we're even! I'm just kidding - really, I’m super nervous, but I can't wait to get out there and start clowning!! I've got this scary costume in mind, just have to get it together, fill out the mountains of paperwork and start making new friends! (for those of you who care... the fusia wranglers are an expression of "the other side" that we're meant to explore in our personalities. Its really quite an interesting experience trying to embrace everything you've rejected from your personality. You should try it some day) The most frustrating part of clowning so far is definitely the make up. GRRRRR. How do you make your mouth look like its perpetually smiling without looking like a psycho? I need to do some work on that one I think.
It does sorta make me smile that we put so much weight on little pieces of paper with bubbles and stickers... but isn't most of life like that?? There are a prescribed set of expectations and rules that we're expected to play by, and if we don't, then we're made to feel like failures. Post secondary education was kinda like that for me. There was never any question in my mind that i was going to go to Uni... now look at me 4 years later and working at A&W! To be fair to my self, I loved school, and I can't wait to go back! (ah, how perspectives change... rosy glasses and all that.) But it definitely was in the time line. Next comes career, marriage and kids. HOW SCARY…. I don’t feel grown up enough to cope with all of that, but like a good little conformist, I feel like i should get prepared to face a life that's "inevitably" (and hopefully!) mine.

I am ignorant and naïve. I realize this over and over, but unfortunately, being the vicious cycle it is, I feel powerless to stop it. People do and say things all the time and I assume I know what they’re talking about and feeling and carry on doing whatever, only to be brought up short again and AGAIN AND AGAIN. Grrr.
Having said all that, I really loved Mike’s blog < http://theidiom.blogspot.com/ > I know exactly what he means about feeling completely like you’re wearing masks for ever occasion, but nobody (even the people you love most) really knows who you are underneath, and for the most part that doesn’t seem to really bother them. This leaves the interesting solution: be stalker-like in your knowledge of everybody else and their ignorance of you, or let them see the “real” you (which has the potential to scare them even more). Unfortunately, this is a lot harder and involves a lot more personal commitment than I really like. It means being real all of the time! If that isn’t scary to you, then you’re obviously a lot more of an extrovert than me. (it really amuses me that my most prominent mask is that of an extrovert… so really everything I say and do, etc is really just me playing a part to make people feel comfortable. I know this. But on the other hand isn’t play acting a part of personality too??? WOW > I’m tired and this seems like concentric circles spiralling down the plug hole (to the left of course)).

Life is hard to understand some days, but I’m still holding out for the plan to live each day to the full. Sometimes they just fly by me, and I realize that I’ve done nothing worth writing down in my journal… except talked to all different people for 16 hours. What potential if I decide to use it.
But in order to be functional for 5:10 tomorrow, I should get some sleep and stop rambling.

Over and out.