SO it lives again. For the most part, I haven't given out my blog address to anybody, and really just used it as some sort of a journal to keep myself occupied and my brain still working, but it seems that it has been birthed into the public eye.
It occurred to me today that i have to stop caring so much about other people's opinions. (I know that it is a pretty standard and even stupid realization... but somtimes these things have to be fully absorbed.) I fully embrace my failings where it comes to being a people pleaser (and thus, pretty much a push over), but it doesn't mean that i should adjust everything i think or feel just because it doesn't line up with popular public opinion, even of people that i really respect. For instance: today somebody at work asked me if i would be in management. Now, granted working a minimum wage job at a fast food restaurant is not the most glorious or life-changing of careers, but i responded, without really even pausing to reflect (what's new... I’m still trying to extract one foot before i put the next one in) "no... I kinda like where I’m at". For SURE, I do NOT want to spend my whole life working at A&W, but i can say with perfect sincerity that I really don't hate it or even really dislike it. Even though i start work at 6am (bah... 6 hours of sleeping time left... i better hurry up) I get to be my own boss for 4 hours, and pretty much get to be responsible without every problem in the restaurant being mine. I also don't have to work in the kitchen and I get a regular shift, which allows me to live the rest of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better set up... 6 - 2pm means i get to work at McNab and impact those kids while still being busy every night doing what i want to do. Really, all i can say is "thank you God".... there is no question of his goodness (even tho' I’m SO TIRED I can barely keep my eyes open). So do i care that i'm going to be working min. wage at the counter at A&W for the next 8 months? Not really. Even tho' it makes me feel like a loser to tell people what i do, i don't care whether or not they concur.

In other news.... I failed out of clown school today. Well, sorta. I didn't go to the first class, so I didn't get one of the cool little certificates with the bubbles and smiley face stickers. :( Who fails out of clown school? On the plus side, somehow I never paid for it either. SO it seems we're even! I'm just kidding - really, I’m super nervous, but I can't wait to get out there and start clowning!! I've got this scary costume in mind, just have to get it together, fill out the mountains of paperwork and start making new friends! (for those of you who care... the fusia wranglers are an expression of "the other side" that we're meant to explore in our personalities. Its really quite an interesting experience trying to embrace everything you've rejected from your personality. You should try it some day) The most frustrating part of clowning so far is definitely the make up. GRRRRR. How do you make your mouth look like its perpetually smiling without looking like a psycho? I need to do some work on that one I think.
It does sorta make me smile that we put so much weight on little pieces of paper with bubbles and stickers... but isn't most of life like that?? There are a prescribed set of expectations and rules that we're expected to play by, and if we don't, then we're made to feel like failures. Post secondary education was kinda like that for me. There was never any question in my mind that i was going to go to Uni... now look at me 4 years later and working at A&W! To be fair to my self, I loved school, and I can't wait to go back! (ah, how perspectives change... rosy glasses and all that.) But it definitely was in the time line. Next comes career, marriage and kids. HOW SCARY…. I don’t feel grown up enough to cope with all of that, but like a good little conformist, I feel like i should get prepared to face a life that's "inevitably" (and hopefully!) mine.

I am ignorant and naïve. I realize this over and over, but unfortunately, being the vicious cycle it is, I feel powerless to stop it. People do and say things all the time and I assume I know what they’re talking about and feeling and carry on doing whatever, only to be brought up short again and AGAIN AND AGAIN. Grrr.
Having said all that, I really loved Mike’s blog < http://theidiom.blogspot.com/ > I know exactly what he means about feeling completely like you’re wearing masks for ever occasion, but nobody (even the people you love most) really knows who you are underneath, and for the most part that doesn’t seem to really bother them. This leaves the interesting solution: be stalker-like in your knowledge of everybody else and their ignorance of you, or let them see the “real” you (which has the potential to scare them even more). Unfortunately, this is a lot harder and involves a lot more personal commitment than I really like. It means being real all of the time! If that isn’t scary to you, then you’re obviously a lot more of an extrovert than me. (it really amuses me that my most prominent mask is that of an extrovert… so really everything I say and do, etc is really just me playing a part to make people feel comfortable. I know this. But on the other hand isn’t play acting a part of personality too??? WOW > I’m tired and this seems like concentric circles spiralling down the plug hole (to the left of course)).

Life is hard to understand some days, but I’m still holding out for the plan to live each day to the full. Sometimes they just fly by me, and I realize that I’ve done nothing worth writing down in my journal… except talked to all different people for 16 hours. What potential if I decide to use it.
But in order to be functional for 5:10 tomorrow, I should get some sleep and stop rambling.

Over and out.