christmas cheer

so i think i'm a little with mikos on this one... i'm wierdly depressed about nothing. Seriously - this should be the most joyful time of year for all who celebrate the life (and death) of our Lord, but for some reason, i just haven't been able to shake my bad attitude. I mean its not that i hate the commercialization of christmas - i don't enjoy it, but whatever, i understand commerce. Its not that i don't like the christmas spirit of cheer and good will, etc - i mean who wouldn't enjoy nice people?? (esp those of us who get stuck in minimum wage customer service jobs). Its not even that i dislike the shopping and present buying and christmas parties, etc - i actually have a lot of fun trying to find the perfect thing for somebody, and usually have a blast making little things to give to people. But out of the blue this season, the thought of christmas has just made me inexplicably angry (hmmm... not quite the right word... troubled maybe??) and sort of sad.
I think what it may be is my former conclusion coming back to haunt me: suddenly all the busyness is gone, and i have time to be meditative, consider my life and friendships and relationships, and be lonely for some people. I hate that its weird and hard to talk to family i love with all my heart who are a whole world away. I hate that i can't figure out where my beloved little 12yr old cousin is at, when he has been "my" baby since the day he was born. I hate standing by and watching friendships fall apart and not know what to do about it. But i hate even more that i'm a big baby who's too scared to make a move.
My dad called me a workaholic today, and it might actually be fitting... i found myself trying to do at least one thing along with watching movies with my fam today... and i kept getting up and pacing - completely antsy - and obsessing about friends and people i hardly even know. Its prob a bad sign that by day 2 of a 4 day weekend, i'm worrying about work, thinking about the people there and planning the work week ahead.

i realize that this is all prob more than you wanted to read about me, and you prob think i'm a big suck and horrible joyless person, but there it is. Isn't it funny... i thought that my anger and sadness was "inexplicable", and then went on to discuss and explain... hmmm, maybe i should write out more of my little life conundrums...

REGARDLESS of the above regurgitation of woe, it has been great spending time with my parents and my sister... time is precious - somedays it feels like we're on a limited time deal. It was also really good to catch up with some far away friends and visit with those i see but never get to talk to.
I still believe that life is formed by the people in your life - its up to us to take what we can out of each situation, but God has put some awesome people in our way.

but i should sleep.
peace.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis