I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker

Life is strange - so many things coming and going and changing within minutes and hours and other things continuing forever. Tomorrow is my 6 week anniversary at A&W. Hard to believe. Feels like its been FOREVER already. I think for my sanity's sake, I need to cut down a couple of days. Honestly, I feel like I’m getting dumber by the day. Fortunately, there is life to keep me occupied. I think after a 4 month absence (in spirit - my body's been kickin' around.) I have decided to throw myself back into C&C. I haven't had time or energy to put anything into it this year, and I think I was just sick of the idea of continuing as camp director for my peers. I don't want to be making up games and stuff like that to entertain people - that's not real at all, and I don't want to be that superficial. But it seems hard to extricate yourself from an image. I think I’ve finally succeeded this year - much to the dismay of most who lament the loss of social activities, etc. Well, they'll come back in Jan and we'll see what happens I guess.

OK - I know I’m rambling cos my eyes are watering and my brain is demanding that I give it some sleep....

I love poetry, but I almost can't handle it because it is so personal. I feel like I’m peering into the person's soul, which always makes reading the poetry of people feel kind of intimate, and quite strange for a public place. But I love it... maybe that's why I love quotes so much - they're sort of personal but distanced. I think I’m just too much of a chicken to ever put any of my own work up, but I’ll leave you with this amazing stanza. (can you tell that I like TS Elliot yet? Esp this poem... its about a guy who falls in love with his friend but can't tell her....)

"Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid. "

The Love Song Of J Alfred Prufrock - TS ELLIOT

so.. later.
Carie

"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind."

i have to confess: i am pig headed and very stuborn, but on the plus side, at least i can admit it. (on paper... saying it is a little harder, as it clashes a little more with the pigheaded side of the personality). ANYWAYS... Batgirl tried to MAKE me read Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy for about the first 3 years that we knew each other, and i refused on the grounds that she hates everything i read and refuses to read it. Finally one day we agreed to swap best for best, and i was introduced to the world of Douglas Adam while she was plunged into the marvels of Pride and Prejudice. I have to say at this point, i don't know why i gave her that instead of Wuthering Heights, which has been a clear 19C favourite for a good 8 years, but it seemed conventional. Long and short of the story, i can pretty much quote HHGTTG, and she made it to half way through chapter 2, and part of the way through ch 1 on tape. Ah well.

Regardless, i thought that this seemed like a good time to take an optimistic spin on life as the crazyiness of december hits.

"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer." (HHGTTG)

all my love,
Car

thin threads

do you ever feel like every where you turn, there is just one more thing waiting for your attention?? Its like being at school the week before finals, knowing that the axe is hanging over your head and that you should be doing something about it (rather quickly) but there are just too many other minor emergencies to deal with. For me, this feeling of desparation also comes with a complete emotional set of apathy. I panic about it, but don't do anything and just hope it goes away. Of course it doesn't and i start to feel like a little kid who really needs my mom. Its funny : i understand this perpetual cycle, but feel like i'm too spun out to do anything about it. maybe i just need to go to bed.

In the words of the esteemed douglas adams: "'This must be thursday,' said arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, 'i never could get the hang of Thursdays." (HHGTHG)

later,
ct

i'm a freak

literally.
i'm so tired that i could puke, yet i write another blog instead of going to bed. Man, this never sleeping thing is starting to kick me in the head.

anyhow, this is for all my buddies who are feeling inescapably like this: what do you do when you really just don't have time to sleep in favour of papers, articles, debates and presentations??? I hope you're not crazy... and even though you're measuring out your life in coffee spoons, just think of the three glorious weeks ahead.

merry christmas.

~ Carie


" Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume? "

- (extract) The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock.
TS ELLIOT

At the end of the day

SO i was blown away this afternoon by grace. I have to admit, that in some small way i'm actually getting sick of the concept of grace. Not the practical effects of grace of course... i mean who can have something done for them at great sacrifice but at no cost and reject it coldly? I can i guess. In my humble oppinion, sacrifice is a very abstract concept for us as fortunate people. I know very little about sacrificing EVERYTHING for somebody else, hell - i know very little about sacrificing ANYTHING for somebody else. Realistically - my $25 shoe box for some little kid in africa somewhere really didn't hurt me that much. And honestly, i felt really good after doing it, so who really benifitted? But beyond all that, the concept of grace is something that we talk about all the time in church, and i can understand the meaning of it, and see Christ's sacrifice as pure grace, but i guess sometimes i need pictures to remind me and smash it into my heart and head.
I went to see Les Miz with my mom this afternoon, and once again saw the picture of grace and the possibility of limitless grace. If you don't know the story, Jean Valjean is a prisoner who finally recieves his parole and is taken in for the night by a bishop who feels sorry for the starving man. In return Jean Valjean steals some of the bishop's silver and runs away, only to be caught by the police:


VALJEAN ARRESTED, VALJEAN FORGIVEN


CONSTABLE ONE
Tell his reverence your story

CONSTABLE TWO
Let us see if he's impressed

CONSTABLE ONE
You were lodging here last night

CONSTABLE TWO
You were the honest Bishop's guest.

CONSTABLE ONE
And then, out of Christian goodness

CONSTABLE TWO
When he learned about your plight

CONSTABLE ONE
You maintain he made a present of this silver.

BISHOP
That is right.
But my friend you left so early
Surely something slipped your mind

(The bishop gives Valjean two silver candlesticks)

You forgot I gave these also
Would you leave the best behind?
So, Messieurs, you may release him
For this man has spoken true
I commend you for your duty
And God's blessing go with you.

(Constables leave. The bishop addresses Valjean)

But remember this, my brother
See in this some higher plan
You must use this precious silver
To become an honest man
By the witness of the martyrs
By the Passion and the Blood
God has raised you out of darkness
I have bought your soul for God!

WHAT HAVE I DONE (VALJEAN'S SOLILOQUY)

VALJEAN
What have I done?
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?
Become a thief in the night,
Become a dog on the run
And have I fallen so far,
And is the hour so late
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,
The cries in the dark that nobody hears,
Here where I stand at the turning of the years?

If there's another way to go
I missed it twenty long years ago
My life was a war that could never be won
They gave me a number and murdered Valjean
When they chained me and left me for dead
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread

Yet why did I allow that man
To touch my soul and teach me love?
He treated me like any other
He gave me his trust
He called me brother
My life he claims for God above
Can such things be?
For I had come to hate the world
This world that always hated me

Take an eye for an eye!
Turn your heart into stone!
This is all I have lived for!
This is all I have known!

One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul,
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
And I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!


As he makes a life for himself, he uses the silver to become a factory owner and the mayor of his town, and becomes willing to sacrifice his life in saving an innocent man, taking care of an orphan girl and later in laying down his life for the man she loves. Grace is such an unlimited gift and does not stop with one person but has the potential to affect countless others.
Ironically, not 15 minutes later, as i was driving home in the car with my mom, i was complaining to her about something somebody wants me to do - make friends with a girl i don't know and make her feel welcome and part of the church and christ's body. I was telling my mom about how inconvenient it is, how little time i have and how i'm happy with my friends and can barely keep up with them as it is, and then i started to think about the irony of my tears in the scene above. I (who hardly ever cries) was crying through this play as i witnessed what grace means, but yet i'm hardly willing to extend it to somebody else who requires a far lesser "sacrifice" (if you can even call it that) from me.

I guess this all sort of ties in with what Lynda (from the bridge) and Serge LeClerk from Prairie Hope were saying on Thursday night: people don't really care about what you have, but love and time make all the difference.

ANYHOO
enough sentimentality from me for one evening i think.


last word from "the poor:"

At the end of the day you're another day older
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor
It's a struggle, it's a war
And there's nothing that anyone's giving
One more day standing about, what is it for?
One day less to be living.

At the end of the day you're another day colder
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill
And the righteous hurry past
They don't hear the little ones crying
And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill
One day nearer to dying!

At the end of the day there's another day dawning
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise
Like the waves crash on the sand
Like a storm that'll break any second
There's a hunger in the land
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and
There's gonna be hell to pay
At the end of the day!


love,
car

i have no deep thoughts.... blah...

so 3rf's for the day:

- my favourite gem stone is a saphire... they're incredibly beautiful and brilliant.
- at core i'm a punk rocker. I like most musical genres, but really i'm a big fan of punk and *cough* techno. (shhhh... don't tell)
- my favourite sandwich is avocado on brown bread with pepper and salt. (hey - don't knock it until you try it.... yummy.)


i thought maybe i'd be inspired to great thoughts by my 3rf's, but 'fraid not. meh. bed sounds like an equally good idea ;)


"SLEEP"

looking straight at the light
it never used to be that bright last night
but it's a new day with fuzz in my eyes
alarm is still ringing when I open the blinds
how do these people do it
they are like driving around like there's nothing to it
I imagine it's like the medication their on
or probably just the coffee but
one thing is certain in life
and that is that today I'm going to eat cereal
I mean come on let's get our priorities straight
but before I know it I'm out the door late
just trying to catch some rat or some race
or something I'm not quite sure what it is
so for now I just best keep moving

and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

{chorus}:sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired

they call it commuting
but I think they should call it intravenous
cause it's what I need every time I get
stuck behind a truck, just trying to turn left
just trying to turn left, why are you trying to turn left
why don't you park your silly cube van
hop in I'll drop you off
cause at this rate we'll both be late
but I'd rather be late than sitting here doing nothing

and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

{bridge}:sleep go on and sleep some more
sleep go on and sleep some more

RILEY ARMSTRONG (self titled album.)

THANKS RILEY... honestly couldn't have put it any better myself.


peace,

3 random quick facts

3 random facts for the day:

- my neck cracks in a very scary way (and pretty loudly too). For that matter so do other joints, and my stomach talks loudly when its quiet in the room. Maybe i'm just a noisy person.

- i like sleeping under about 5 duvets, all tightly tucked into the bed... gets reduced to 2 duvets in summer.

- i get to go see "finding neverland" tonight... let you know what i think later (but honestly... how badly can you do with johnny depp?)

if you're bored tonight, there is something called "disrobed" at the Odeon... its the greystone singers fundraiser night (kinda like a talent show.) It rocked last year, so i'd recomend it. 8pm, $5 i think.

but... late for work, so must run.
ciao

living life (or is life living me??? )

ANNA AND EVEN ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!! That's the huge news for the week! I'm so excited for them.... but it feels like i'm suddenly in a group of almost-adults... WEIRD! (no offense anybody!) but its strange when people are moving on with life.

i realized today that we're all just big pretenders, but for the most part we're all pretty ok with that. I was playing with one of the little girls at McNab, and she was "feeding" me her playdough cookies. I pretended to eat one, and she asked if i liked it, and when i told her i did, and asked for another one, she asked me to return the first one to the plate... it's kinda funny how aware we can be of the games we play (even at 6 years old) and still get completely lost in the fantasy. I like life that way i think! I sort of feel sad that i can't completely lose myself in playing games like i did 10 years ago... remember when you could play barbie or my-little- pony for like 3 hours without getting bored? But going back to my earlier point of getting lost in fantasy, i think we get better at self-delusion as we get older, even tho' we forget how to just be in the moment.
For instance: i decided that i would like working at A&W again, and for the most part, i'm doing pretty well at it. Then you get days like today when the delusion bubble pops. Anything that could possibly spill, break, make a mess, fall apart or otherwise just not do what it was meant to do did it today. Then some stupid IDIOT boy/man/IDIOT crapped all over the men's room. NOT a good way to start the day. At this point i came to the conclusion that i hate my life and i want to go bury myself in a blanket burrow in my bed and not come out for like 3 weeks. And just when you think life can't get any worse, suddenly salvation arrives in the form of some little kid who can't go home until they've hugged you goodbye, or a friend who just opens their arms and hugs you without even saying a word (thanks phil). i guess God understands me a little better than i assume some days. And at least they end at bed time.

But my brain has just stalled, and i might fall asleep on my keyboard if i don't get to bed right now. so: Carpe diem. Its all you can do really.

in his grip,
car

A south african childhood

WOW... an almost comprehensive list of my childhood! it's long winded, but wow, the memories.

>>REMEMBER
Before the Internet or the Credit card and overdraft facility...
Before Aids, affirmative action, hi- jacking. Before pregnancy scares and regrettable one-night stands and cane and coke!...

Way back....
I'm talking about the time of Hide and go Seek in the garden or farm yard...or in the dark. The local cafe in town to spend your 50c pocket money after church while you old man was buying the Sunday Times.
Remember Rounders, Clay lyts, catches, touch rugby with a coke bottle (2L with removable black bottom used for flower pots at school) or leather super springbok (if you were really lucky!) for hours on a Saturdy afternoon while your folks played tennis at the club. Garden Cricket with a plastic garden chair as wickets, games normally ending in a wrestling match after a dispute over a run out - remember different runs allocated to different parts of the garden, six and out and breaking at least one window a season.

Beetle bailey, Sharki and Tom and Jerry while you ate your breakfast before school , Images (and the tunes) of "Tick-tock Time", "Willie Walie","Rupert", "LieweHeksie", "The Gummy Bears", "Pumpkin Patch" and "Bennie Boekwurm" still float through your mind.

Out door entertainment took the form of: Jumping the river, living on the beach or in the pool building a swing from a piece of rope tied to a tree (falling off the swing trying to impress your mates!), sliding down the banks on boxes, form little gangs, tennis on the street or swing ball in the backyard.
You had to beg your parents to let you stay up to watch "Dallas", WKRP", "Magnum PI", Family Ties", "Three's Company" and "Who's the Boss" at 8:30pm.

You went to the movies/drive-in to watch "Pretty Woman","Back to the Future" series,"Police Academy","Star Wars","Grease","The God's Must Be Crazy","ET","Rocky III", "Superman","Beverly Hills Cop","Ghostbusters","Top Gun" "Dirty Dancing" and "Jaws".
You owned either a Rubik's Cube, BMX, Donky Kong Game, luminous socks, walkman, Ken doll, Matchboxcars (esp."HotWheels") or a Cabbage-Patch Kid.

The smell of suntan lotion, hot tar and Oros. Wicks bubble gum and chappies for a cent. An ice cream cone from the kombi that plays a tune.

Wait... can you still remember...

Marble season ( goenes, arlies, glasses, moon rocks, spiders,Chinese checkers, ironies ( which ended up chipping many an unsuspecting crab goen), ( hollie ( eye drops, pillie drops, ect), pillie (pile-ons), yoyo season ( fanta , sprite and coke yoyo's or those one with the flashing lights)
Top season ( not as popular, as the above but crept in from time to time)

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere, and your old lady made you "dress up" for the trip.
A million mozzie bites and peeling skin in summer. Sticky fingers and sand in and on everything. Cops and Robbers, Stingers, kissing catchers ( and actually being petrified of being caught by the cute boy in your class) Truth, dare and command - for that matter! foefie slides & climbing trees.
Walking or riding your bike to school - no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Jumping on the bed..... Pillow fights and midnight feasts (which where always not as cool as you expected them to be!).
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down. Getting ichy from lying on the grass in the garden,or from the ticks you picked up herding cattle in the veld!

Being tired from playing...
Remember that...
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Paper water bombs and clay "layts" were the ultimate weapon.
A piece of card in the spokes held by a clothes peg transformed any bicycle into a motorcycle. And for the spoilt kids those coloured boggles which where attached to each spoke and made a lekker sound!
Talking about boggles who remembers those boggles the tennis players used to keep
their laces tied, what ever happen to that ingenious invention!

I'm not finished just yet...
Can you still taste and smell eating jelly powder from the box, ice lollies made from cold drink in Tupperware holders in the freezer.Or jumbo lollies in there plastic sachets, green and yellow were sour! Making sherbet from sugar and ENOS and boiling tins of condensed milk to make caramel - took hours! No camping trip was complete without a tin of condensed milk regardless of whether that camping trip was in your back garden or down at the river.
Marshmallow fish and mice, the more stale they where the better!

Remember when...
There were two types of takkies - Tommies and the canvas ones, and the only time you wore them at school, was for "PT". Or if you went to a farm school ever PT was done bare foot!
Getting into trouble because you were missing a few buttons or torn you school shirt during a tight game of rugby during little break! Normally English vs Afrikaaners - we reinacted the boer war every break during the winter months!
Your mom or aunt
made all your clothes, luminous kit was the heat, brighter the better although because your folks were still stuck in the fashion of the early seventies ended up wearing plenty of brown and earth colours!
50 cents was decent pocket money - bought you a pack of fire balls or jaw breakers and a stick of wicks or a box of smarties or nougat or you could get a lucky packet with the pink sweets!.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 5 cents and feel lucky.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
Remember when it was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or nose, or make 10 cents appear from behind your ear. When you could make your
nose krick with a thumb nail strategically hooked under your front teeth and
watching your younger boet also break his nose trying to imitate you!
When it was considered a great privilege and very unusual to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant or in a proper hotel. Mikes Kitchen if you happened to be in town over your birthday!
Remember the spare ribs and badges (clowns, airplanes ect).
Remember when any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the head master's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving child at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of muggings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat....and some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Didn't that feel good.....just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny- miney-mo."
you could get out of doing crappy jobs if you were quick with"Nix!"
"A race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money was handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a BIC pen pea shooter or a "cattie".
Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Skills and courage were discovered because of a "dare".
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! (most likely in South Africa.)

Have a lekker day!
Carie

making waves

So i figured out tonight what i would like to do with my life in an ideal world. I would love to worship with kids. Don't think i'm just being modest when i say that i am by no means any kind of a musician.... really, my major ability in the musical field is strictly volume! But leading kids into the presence of God through music is one of the most inspiring and exciting things that i know how to do. Not in the "oh yay, look at them do the actions" kind of way, but the truly "focused on who God is" way that kids seem to have so naturally. It's incredible to me.

To completely change direction here... following up on my post from yesterday (well technically this morning, but it was before i slept, so it still counts as yesterday), i see part of my role in life as constantly teaching and changing people's world views and experiences. (it really is fun - and i know you know what i mean, any of you who has tried to convince me to say "ice" or "zebra"). Anyway, i deviate. I introduced my bible study group to some south african foods, among them butternut squash. Today one of them made butternut soup! YAY. i will make a splash in the world. (even if it is just a drip). i hope i can make that kind of splash in letting people see Christ in my life.

~ carie

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time." ~ TS ELLIOT