I distinctly remember the who-ha this song caused when it came out, and me in my rebellious grade 8- ness thinking, "well, what if?"... I was watching a movie tonight and they played this song, and i was reminded of the truth of it as it struck me 10 years (EEK!) ago... what if he's the old smelly guy riding next to me on the bus?? "as you do to the least of these, you do to me"... (Matt 25)
If God Was One of Us Lyrics - Joan Osbourne
If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the prophets
And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome
And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome
I have ignored God for such a long time. He's a big part of my daily life, in that i run around "DOING" things for him, but have somehow allowed my Bible to get dusty next to my bed. I feel like a hypocrit teaching kids to "SPEAK UP" for him, when i don't even have the courage of my convictions to explain to to my co-workers why i don't get "Shit faced" every weekend or sleep with my boyfriend, or any of the other things they assume about me. How can i convice kids of a Godly lifestyle when i'm living just the bare skeleton of it, mostly out of habit?
I know all the sunday school answers and i could argue theology with a priest, but God looks inside my soul, and i think i haven't done much to make him proud. I sometimes feel like faith is a back-up plan, just in case he is real and i'll be standing before him one day, with no other options. But then i look back on my life and see him in action in every aspect of my life, and know that he has been present in every moment and every tear.
Why am i posting this here? i don't know except that i feel that by hiding it and pretending that i am the perfect Christian girl with no doubts or insecurities or faith hiccups that i cannot go on a missions trip to tell other people about Jesus. I know he is able to use me regardless of my flaws, but i have come to realize that i am done with hypocrisy. In my various friendships and relationships with people, i have to be real. I know that God is my creator and perfect author of my life story, and I know that i am saved through Jesus Christ, and i do want to "speak up". Maybe we are placed in various situations in life to remind us of who we really are and what we really believe. Perhaps teaching Faith Kids and Connection Kids has been God's little post-it to me of the fact that he really is writing my story, and i just have to let go of the pen for a little while.
For the last 3 summers i have allowed myself to shine for him at camp, for a brief 3 months of the year, and then slidden back into my old grunge of daily life and grind. In each summer i have really had the opportunity to develop my relationship with him, and they have been awesome learning and growing experiences which i have somehow relinquished when life returned to normal. I don't want to be living on the outskirts of faith anymore, but i can't seem to claw my way back in. I know - sunday school answer - read your Bible and pray everyday (and you'll grow, grow, grow...) but that seems to be the easy "doing" way out. I want the RELATIONSHIP part. I want to be HUNGRY. I'm not hungry for God... i cry out to him in tough times, and i know he's there, but in everyday life i don't seek his face the way i want too. I want to be passionate but don't know how to get there.
ugg. this post should not be for public reading except that i need to make it public. I want to be growing and passionate, but i know that i'll fake it every time somebody asks. Even in writing this, i am so concerned about what people will think. I'm worried about all the church people who will see me preaching to the kids and see the dirt on the inside of my cup. I'm worried that i won't be good enough to fit into the church mould. I'm worried that the people i care about most will see how much i am losing my grip on what i believe and will want to jump ship. But i HAVE to be honest. I can't go on being so shallow and empty.
Pray for me.
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3 comments:
Hey Carie,
I think your honesty is really admirable. If only we were all so honest in our relationships with God and each other. Be encouraged that your questions and struggles only attest to your faith. A friend of mine told me recently that if you don't struggle and question, that you really have no faith at all. The things that are important to you are the things that you think about, worry about and question. A desire to be hungry for God shows that you believe relationship with Him (and not just action for Him) is important. I understand your difficulty with the Sunday school answers. . . it is easy to read your Bible and pray, believing that everything will change overnight. But we all know that it doesn't work that way. Just know you aren't the only one seeking to be closer to God. I too, want to be hungry for God and be genuine in my relationships with other Christians. I want to allow people to see the feebleness of my faith and the flaws in my actions, if for no other reason than to have them praying for me. Thank you for letting us know where you are at so we can walk alongside you too. I am praying for you.
Much love.
Carie don't beat yourself up about it so much eh, really you are a far better acting christian than I am.
You said for 3 months of the year you shine bright and that's whatmatter most, that you shine bright, even for awhile.
Sunday school answers are simple yes but can never really provide all the answers for real life.
Part of being human is that Sometime along time ago humans made a mistake and we continue to do so I guess it's who we are, what matters most though is that we try not to make mistakes that we try to better ourselves. I know how it feels to keep things from the rest of the world outside of christianity, I know how it feels to keep things hidden from the world of christianity for fear of rejection.
Just remember that you're not alone, but if you suffer with this quietly(and no the net doesn't really help I find) it only tears you up inside.
But hey, I'm proud of ya for being who you are and the fact that you are a good person, so cheer up eh, things have a way of working out.
oh my word carie - that touched such a spot in me - I'm in exactly the same space - wierd!! Thanks its great to know you are never alone in facing these things. SOrry for the lack of comms - life has been hectic. am back in sa for a while - please if you read this post could you leave your phone no - would love to catch up love duckie
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