I do still exist! Online at least!

Man, it sure has been a while. I am glad to report that this post is not born out of sheer pain and suffering, as is often the trend with my blogging, but is instead born out of desire to avoid marking :)

I was going through boxes of papers and books that I have collected over the years and I was thinking of all the people who i have spent so many random hours with, building programs, reading books and formulating new ideas. I feel sad that I have let those people somehow dissapear from my life, and I think that I need to start making a concerted effort to retrieve those people. Its not that I like them any less, but it is a concern that it will be "awkward" or that I will not know how to behave. This calls for some determination on my part to get over that, but is life meant to be lived in a series of moments? Or are we meant to hang on (come hell or high water) to what we have cherished? Or are we simply meant to live in the glow of what was a happy day at some point and let it go at that? I'm not sure. But I am going to try pick up on lost moments every now and again... what is the worst that could happen?? Disillusionment? I could probably recover.

Somebody sent me this song.. I think its beautiful. Its official. A new chapter in my life has began sans IDS. I know i have moved on because I am truly fine. In fact I am even happy. Didn't know if that would ever happen, as i hid under my blankets...but it has.
Here's to a future going in a direction i hadn't anticipated.

LAMB - GORECKI

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one Ive waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
til the end of time till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
til the end of time till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

It ends tonight.

Music Video:IT ENDS TONIGHT (by The All-American Rejects)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

- "it ends tonight" The All-American Rejects

Wow, life is crazy and circular. Here I am almost 1 year after my last post, and my life is ironically the same! The post below, entitled "WeaknessRus" is right where i am all over again. I have to say though, as much as life seems to be where i left you last, it has been a great year, and i have no regrets. I guess i should say that i am here in the same spot emotionally, but in the mean time, i have become a grown up!

This is my year in review:
1. graduated from Education with a distinction!
2. worked for the City in playgrounds
3. went to Rochelle and Ander's wedding
4. moved in with Leah
5. Got back together with Indy
6. Subbed for 3 days in a k-6 classroom
7. Subbed the next 8 months in a 7-12 classroom (talk about shift in tactics!)
8. moved to Eston
9. moved out of Leah's house and back in with parents
10. Bribed AJ to come join me in Eston
11. Signed a permanant contract for elementary school for 2008-09
12. Bought a house!
13. Broke up with Indy
14. Hired to work for the City again for the summer

So, we'll see what exciting new things this year brings. Hopefully the posting will be a little more regular with my very own internet in my very own home :)

happy Canada Day

This has been such a good relaxing weekend - went swimming on Friday night with Anna, Evan and Vangie, and then watched a ridiculous girl movie (sans Evan.) Saturday was sleep in until 1pm! (yay for days when you thought you had to work but didn't!!!) then errands and Ruckers for some good ol' beat that crocodile fun! Although the lemon tried to bite her, anna's lemon marangue pie was something to marvel over. Came back home for a fire, but the mozzies were out to get us, so chilled inside and just chatted with Anna & J. J& I decided to check out the Flying J - big mistake on my part... the burger was YUMMY... but i came home at 3am WIDE AWAKE. So i watched "Water" - possible the best foreign film i have seen (other than "Life is beautiful" and "Amelie")... it is amazing and sad and beautiful all at the same time.
the 5am bedtime didn't bode so well for work this morning... but hey - a bit of caffeine and we're set. It really wasn't that busy anyway.
This evening was the Bezopalooza... surprisingly quite fun! I had a really good evening catching up with a variety of people i havent' seen in forever. surprising how your world can somehow shrink until you can't see anybody but the people in your immediate vacinity, until one day you surface and realize that everybody else is still there, its just a matter of focussing the vision finder.
Anyway, now that i'm worked, fed and fireworked, it is 1:21 and i am ready for bed.. got to be fresh for my big first day tomorrow at the park!

till later,
C

I'd never even heard of these guys, but i caught this song on the radio and liked it...

Music Video:SECOND CHANCE (by Faber Drive)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

weakness r us

weak in the knees
serena ryder

Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else
doin' somethin' we wanted to
cause all this livin' makes me want do is die
cause i can't live with you
you don't even care

Would you mind if I pretended
I was someone else
with courage in love and war
I used to think thats what I was
but now this lying hurts too much
and I don't know what for

I'm weak in the knees for you
but I'll stand if you want me to
my legs are strong and I'll move on
but hunny i'm weak in the knees

Would you mind if I walked over
and I kissed your face
infront of all of your friends
would you mind if i got drunk and said,
"I wanna take you home to bed"
oh would you change your mind?

I'm weak in the knees for you
but I'll stand if you want me to
my legs are strong and I'll move on
but hunny I'm weak in the knees
for you


Leave The Pieces
Jennifer Hanson & Billy Austin

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

© 2005 Sony Music Publishing / Warner Chappell

why do all good things come to an end?

Music Video:ALL GOOD THINGS (by Nelly Furtado)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

so i guess i'm not that good at breaking up. in fact i think i suck at it. i'm like a freaking wet sponge. life is so complicated. i wish i could escape while not letting anything go. how does that work??? and how long does this take? Its been 7 weeks already. Having said all that, i'm too stupid and stuborn to pack up and leave for a while. my best friend is more precious than anything and i can't let that fall apart. ug. life sucks somedays.

i'm fine. really.

more random stuff about me...

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
nope - share my mom's name is my second name tho'.. my mom wanted to name me lorrie if i was a boy.. my dad objected. So its a good thing i was a girl - who knows WHAT i'd have been called other wise!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
7 hours ago

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes – it was better in high school.. damn computer has ruined my writing skills.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
mmm - salami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. well - i take care of them all the time... so not biologically. but kinda, yes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
of course!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
me?... noooooo....

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Nope - they whipped them out 2 days after my sister was born. Guess my mom couldn't deal with 2 wailing kids.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
YUP - have done!! Off the Bloukraans Bridge... i'd recommend it... crazyest 5 seconds of your entire life!!! Check out the highest commercial bungee in the world!!! http://www.faceadrenalin.com/


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
ummm. don't really eat it.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Sometimes - drives my mom NUTS!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
yup.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
ROLO!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
their confidence level

15. RED OR PINK?
neither. maybe pink MARGINALLY more.

16. WHAT IS the least favorite thing about yourself?
ummm - eyes i think. Except it would be nice if they worked better~!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
My bestest best friends

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
decided to go the blog route - that way the people that care can read this... read on faithful fans!

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
jeans and no socks.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
mmm - just shared my little kid's rice crispies... didn't get time for brekkies this morning.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW
"Cars" movie

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
freshly cut grass

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my boss

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
sez rocks.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
one day cricket

28. EYE COLOR?
blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTActs
used to... ran out of money. so now i'm back to glasses (until i get less broke)

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
pasta

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
watched "deja vu" yesterday - surprisingly good. (**not FANTASTIC** but good enough)

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Bright pink that says "i love nerds" - my only article of pink clothing!!

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I'm a summer baby all the way through

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
both? hugs are universally nice. but i really like kisses!

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
cheese cake

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
meh-

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
whatevs

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
in between books actually. NO MORE STUDYING FOR ME EVER~!

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
its just blue

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT?
nothing

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
don't know...

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
don't really listen to either. a little before my time.

44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Canada or South Africa... guess depends which "home" we're talking about here...

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
i can touch my nose with my tongue.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
PMB

poetry mood

LITTLE GIDDING
(No. 4 of 'Four Quartets')
T.S. Eliot

V
What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make and end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from. And every phrase
And sentence that is right (where every word is at home,
Taking its place to support the others,
The word neither diffident nor ostentatious,
An easy commerce of the old and the new,
The common word exact without vulgarity,
The formal word precise but not pedantic,
The complete consort dancing together)
Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning,
Every poem an epitaph. And any action
Is a step to the block, to the fire, down the sea's throat
Or to an illegible stone: and that is where we start.
We die with the dying:
See, they depart, and we go with them.
We are born with the dead:
See, they return, and bring us with them.
The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree
Are of equal duration. A people without history
Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern
Of timeless moments. So, while the light fails
On a winter's afternoon, in a secluded chapel
History is now and England.

With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this
Calling

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

T.S. Eliot (1888–1965). The Waste Land. 1922.

I. THE BURIAL OF THE DEAD


APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

...

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water.