Monday, January 31, 2005
GHANDI ME UP
Ironic really: I identify with the little guy who gets kicked off the train in Pietermaritzburg... lol. I love online tests, no matter how scary the results - hehe. Although; the core of leadership is leading by example, and i do really like perfection, and morals matter a lot to me. so... stop being such a skeptic! As long as i don't have to do the whole starvation protests every 2 months.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
sleep.. i never get enough, always waking up tired...
WOW.. i've discovered something rather interesting. I like being a recluse! This is a fairly odd revelation for me, because i love being around people and hanging out till whatever hour of the morning. (really, i have a hard time just being with people - one on one... i feel the urge to invite more people and make it a party!). But this last week i've been kinda miserable and fighting off the flu, so i've spent a lot of time at home, just puttering around and getting home stuff done, or catching up on sleep. Its amazing how refreshing it is! Last weekend alone i slept for 32 hours... i didn't realize quite how exhausted my body was, and how good it was to just take a break. So somewhere, somehow, its going to have to happen on a daily basis. I can see how easily people become workaholics - you just never prioritize taking a break, and there you go.
SO on that happy note, i'm going to prioritize bed time, right about now!
snooze on,
c
SO on that happy note, i'm going to prioritize bed time, right about now!
snooze on,
c
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Dee Dah Day.
I'm reading a book right now that talks about the discipline of celebration. I know... who knew that celebration and joy could be one of the "disciplines"? I’ve come to realize that I’ve been relying on my surroundings and the people in my life to give my happiness and satisfaction and a reason for doing the things I do, and being the person I am, rather than living for my creator. (read Ps 104 and 145 for more on the creativity and awesomeness of our God). God wants me to be happy, but beyond that, he wants me to be joyful. He understands joy and sorrow, and he wants to give me joy beyond my happiness and daily satisfactions.
I really like this quote by John Ortberg:
"Joy is at the heart of God's plan for human beings. The reason for this is worth pondering awhile: Joy is at the heart of God himself. We will never understand the significance of joy in human life until we understand its importance to God. I suspect that most of us seriously underestimate God's capacity for joy. ... God also knows sorrow. Jesus is remembered, among other things, as "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief". But the sorrow of God, like the anger of God, is his temporary response to a fallen world. That sorrow will be banished forever from his heart on the day the world is set right. Joy is God's basic character. Joy is his eternal destiny. God is the happiest being in the universe. And God's intent was that his creation would mirror his joy. ... We all live with the illusion that joy will come someday when conditions change. We go to school and think we will be happy when we graduate. We are single and are convinced we will be happy when we get married, etc.. If we don't rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die. If we are going to rejoice, it must be in THIS day. This is the ay that the Lord has made. This is the Dee Dah Day. “
I wrote this last night, and left it there, and didn't sleep all night thinking about it, and woke up this morning at 4am and took it off. But its real and who i am, so i'm putting it back and leaving it. (temporarily at least.)
Did you ever have a friendship die on you that you didn't even realize was dead? Its silly, I cried all the way home after I left my "best friends" and realized that they hadn't even noticed or cared I’d gone. I don't know why my heart is broken, I knew they wouldn't care if I was there or not as I drove over there. I guess what it boils down to is that friendship is a two sided thing. I’ve tried really hard, but there is only so much I can do to keep it alive, and there reaches a point where I just have to sit back and let it be, not hold onto the way it used to be. I definitely don’t want the patched up obligatory sort of friendship that is inevitable after a conversation of this nature, and I don’t want guilt or remorse or a superficial sort of covering up. I guess I want the real thing, and maybe it’s fleeting. I know what it feels like to grow out of a friendship - not in a “I never want to hang out with you again” way, but in a subtle “our lives have moved in different directions” sort of way, which makes it really hard to be best friends. Its not that we’ve stopped being friends, or had a fight or argument of any kind. Its just that they honestly wouldn’t give me much more time than they’d give a random stranger (maybe even less since they know “I’ll be fine”), and it seems that unless I ask specific questions about their lives, the most I‘ll get is generic weather talk. This is what we’ve come to. What I hate most is the ability to look into the face of people you love and read their emotions - understand how they feel about you and actually empathize while being on the receiving end of it. The most frustrating thing is the fact that somehow I never figured out how we were growing apart, and I have no clue how to get back there. Which leads me to my earlier point: if my life revolves around every thoughtless word, gesture (or lack thereof) of a mere human, then I’m bound for failure. Nobody could ever live up to the faultless standard of Jesus as a best friend, and when I look somewhere else for value and gratification, of course I’m going to get hurt. Sometimes its hard to replace flesh and bones friendship for one that seems a little more abstract - even if it is perfect.
Well, I've been told that blogs are a place for honesty and being real, so I guess you got the raw, full deal. As I was driving home and crying, I was thinking to myself, “stop being such a girl”, but I am a girl, and maybe girls cry as much as we do because we feel things that we can’t necessarily explain. None of what I’ve said probably makes any sense to anybody but me, but I feel like I’ve lost something very precious and unique, but its so subtle that I don’t think anybody would even see it. Maybe its true. Maybe I am just a hormonal girl who reads too much into situations and has her heart broken over trivialities. Maybe I am just drugged up, sick and overtired. Maybe. But I’m still crying. At least i can run to my Father who understands every grief. Dee Dah Day.
I really like this quote by John Ortberg:
"Joy is at the heart of God's plan for human beings. The reason for this is worth pondering awhile: Joy is at the heart of God himself. We will never understand the significance of joy in human life until we understand its importance to God. I suspect that most of us seriously underestimate God's capacity for joy. ... God also knows sorrow. Jesus is remembered, among other things, as "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief". But the sorrow of God, like the anger of God, is his temporary response to a fallen world. That sorrow will be banished forever from his heart on the day the world is set right. Joy is God's basic character. Joy is his eternal destiny. God is the happiest being in the universe. And God's intent was that his creation would mirror his joy. ... We all live with the illusion that joy will come someday when conditions change. We go to school and think we will be happy when we graduate. We are single and are convinced we will be happy when we get married, etc.. If we don't rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die. If we are going to rejoice, it must be in THIS day. This is the ay that the Lord has made. This is the Dee Dah Day. “
I wrote this last night, and left it there, and didn't sleep all night thinking about it, and woke up this morning at 4am and took it off. But its real and who i am, so i'm putting it back and leaving it. (temporarily at least.)
Did you ever have a friendship die on you that you didn't even realize was dead? Its silly, I cried all the way home after I left my "best friends" and realized that they hadn't even noticed or cared I’d gone. I don't know why my heart is broken, I knew they wouldn't care if I was there or not as I drove over there. I guess what it boils down to is that friendship is a two sided thing. I’ve tried really hard, but there is only so much I can do to keep it alive, and there reaches a point where I just have to sit back and let it be, not hold onto the way it used to be. I definitely don’t want the patched up obligatory sort of friendship that is inevitable after a conversation of this nature, and I don’t want guilt or remorse or a superficial sort of covering up. I guess I want the real thing, and maybe it’s fleeting. I know what it feels like to grow out of a friendship - not in a “I never want to hang out with you again” way, but in a subtle “our lives have moved in different directions” sort of way, which makes it really hard to be best friends. Its not that we’ve stopped being friends, or had a fight or argument of any kind. Its just that they honestly wouldn’t give me much more time than they’d give a random stranger (maybe even less since they know “I’ll be fine”), and it seems that unless I ask specific questions about their lives, the most I‘ll get is generic weather talk. This is what we’ve come to. What I hate most is the ability to look into the face of people you love and read their emotions - understand how they feel about you and actually empathize while being on the receiving end of it. The most frustrating thing is the fact that somehow I never figured out how we were growing apart, and I have no clue how to get back there. Which leads me to my earlier point: if my life revolves around every thoughtless word, gesture (or lack thereof) of a mere human, then I’m bound for failure. Nobody could ever live up to the faultless standard of Jesus as a best friend, and when I look somewhere else for value and gratification, of course I’m going to get hurt. Sometimes its hard to replace flesh and bones friendship for one that seems a little more abstract - even if it is perfect.
Well, I've been told that blogs are a place for honesty and being real, so I guess you got the raw, full deal. As I was driving home and crying, I was thinking to myself, “stop being such a girl”, but I am a girl, and maybe girls cry as much as we do because we feel things that we can’t necessarily explain. None of what I’ve said probably makes any sense to anybody but me, but I feel like I’ve lost something very precious and unique, but its so subtle that I don’t think anybody would even see it. Maybe its true. Maybe I am just a hormonal girl who reads too much into situations and has her heart broken over trivialities. Maybe I am just drugged up, sick and overtired. Maybe. But I’m still crying. At least i can run to my Father who understands every grief. Dee Dah Day.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
every perfect gift
So i was holding Brian and Ange's little baby girl tonight. AWWW! she's so cute. She is now 3 weeks old and dressed in a little pink furry (*note: not FAIRY*) snow suit. I WANT ONE OF THOSE! Seriously - the whole concept of childbirth frankly seems a little scary and rather painful, and the thought of being responsible for a whole new life daunting. But so exciting! There is so much possibility and hope in that tiny girl who kept refusing to open her eyes! When you are holding a little person with perfect eyelashes, fingernails, expressive features and a definate personality, i really don't know how people can discount God as a creator.
I've been thinking lately about the whole creation debate (evolution, and so forth) and i'm really not going to bore you with any of my thoughts, save to say that the creation was simply miraculous in terms of just "arriving" and i can't make myself believe that God sits back and watches us go, when i consider the ongoing minor miracles i see in life (and creation) daily.
This is one of the daily reminders of God in my life - and maybe its corny, or overused or whatever, but this is what God used every morning at camp when i dragged my butt out of bed at 6:
.
I've been thinking lately about the whole creation debate (evolution, and so forth) and i'm really not going to bore you with any of my thoughts, save to say that the creation was simply miraculous in terms of just "arriving" and i can't make myself believe that God sits back and watches us go, when i consider the ongoing minor miracles i see in life (and creation) daily.
This is one of the daily reminders of God in my life - and maybe its corny, or overused or whatever, but this is what God used every morning at camp when i dragged my butt out of bed at 6:
.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
26!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i didn't think i'd even make 21... i'm olllllllldddddddd!
|
You Are 26 Years Old |
|
26 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Sunday, January 16, 2005
It was a good - very cold - but very enjoyable weekend, with way too little sleep involved... VERY tired. (what's new?) The joy of getting away for the weekend is inescapable tho'.
Somebody gave me a mixed cd with a bunch of punk/punk-rock, and i have no idea who this band is, or what the song is called, but pretty striking lyrics...
"well i say it to myself all the time...:
Stop living half a life, and feeling like i'm half alive.
Yeah, i can't get enough, i'm not satisfied
i'm wasting my time with this daily grind
is this real life?
keep telling myself, what matters is in the inside."
rock on.
c
Somebody gave me a mixed cd with a bunch of punk/punk-rock, and i have no idea who this band is, or what the song is called, but pretty striking lyrics...
"well i say it to myself all the time...:
Stop living half a life, and feeling like i'm half alive.
Yeah, i can't get enough, i'm not satisfied
i'm wasting my time with this daily grind
is this real life?
keep telling myself, what matters is in the inside."
rock on.
c
Sunday, January 09, 2005
so i really haven't posted here in a while... i am inspired but tired. oooo - it even rhymes!
meh. inspiration gone.
point form:
- christmas and new year's good. very quiet. very relaxing. perfect.
- quest christmas party fun. excellent.
- grandparents and parents stressing about househunting. stressful. but kinda exciting.
- work(s) long and busy. pretty tired. but satisfied with life.
- things hanging over my head like doom: retreat, applications, more applications, life plans. ugg.
- major revelations: i depend way too much on other people to make me happy.
i like my new randomly generated resolution way better... beware all!
keep on trucking.
c
meh. inspiration gone.
point form:
- christmas and new year's good. very quiet. very relaxing. perfect.
- quest christmas party fun. excellent.
- grandparents and parents stressing about househunting. stressful. but kinda exciting.
- work(s) long and busy. pretty tired. but satisfied with life.
- things hanging over my head like doom: retreat, applications, more applications, life plans. ugg.
- major revelations: i depend way too much on other people to make me happy.
i like my new randomly generated resolution way better... beware all!
In the year 2005 I resolve to: |
keep on trucking.
c
Sunday, January 02, 2005
I RESOLVE TO BE A RESOLVER
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! i hope that you all had a rocking party and made many good resolutions. I for one hardly ever make resolutions, since invariably i break them in the first day. HOWEVER, the one decision i have come to is to be more of a active decision maker - and actually get my butt in gear and do a bunch of things that i really want to get done.
In lieu of making a resolution for myself (since i am obviously not starting on the decision making "resolution" yet, here's my randomly dictated one. I actually really like it and may even do it :) hehe
In lieu of making a resolution for myself (since i am obviously not starting on the decision making "resolution" yet, here's my randomly dictated one. I actually really like it and may even do it :) hehe
In the year 2005 I resolve to: |
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